Caterina Valentine: My Life
by FlorMorada
Summary: Cat had never shown signs of distress - but then she committed suicide. Through flashback accounts and her voice on her tapes, she reveals everything - her life in ways no one's ever seen. Cat's friends soon realise it was not just personal pain that drove their girl to suicide…through sorrow and hard listening, they each see that they pushed Cat to it too. Without even realising.
1. The Start Of The Journey To Her Past

**Caterina Valentine: My Life.**

FlorMorada

**I do NOT own Victorious, or any songs that may be used.**

**SUMMARY:**

**Cat had never shown signs of distress. But then she committed suicide. The tapes she left behind reveal everything. Secrets, stories, truths… Her friends need to listen to them. Answers; that's all they want. As to why their best friend took her life. But listening to the tapes, they find it wasn't just Cat's own pain that drove her to suicide… Her friends were the reasons why too.**

**NOTE:**

"This writing" is in the present, or in 'real life'.

"_This writing" _is Cat speaking on her tapes, or a note that someone's written.

**_"This writing"_** is Cat having a flashback, or happenings in the past.

**Chapter One**

**The Start Of The Journey To Her Past**

I reached my hand underneath the sofa, feeling for the small box that I had pushed far back under it, in case my parents had ever come into the RV one day. They knew about everything that had happened two months ago, obviously, but I knew that the content of the box was personal to Cat. For my eyes, or ears, as well as Jade's André's, Tori's, and Robbie's only. Finally feeling it, I put my fingertips around the back of the box, and slowly pulled it towards me. It appeared from underneath the sofa, and I sat up from the being laid on the floor, before kneeling down. I sighed, staring at the small, cardboard box that I had found underneath Cat's bed… Cat's _old _bed… Just days ago.

I blew on it slightly, before brushing my palm against the top flaps of the box, to clear the thin layer of dust that had formed on top of it in the short amount of time. Or perhaps, it was a longer amount of time than I thought. Maybe it was more than just days; a few weeks ago, maybe? I had no idea. Time… It didn't even make sense to me anymore. The days just went by. For two months now, my life has just been day after day after day. No weeks. No months. I'll probably never notice the years. Each day is just another day, bringing pain from the days' before, and passing it on to the next. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less.

I now could properly see the box's flap again. I lifted the two of them up slowly, opening the cardboard box out, and showing me, once again, what was inside. The smaller white box with a periwinkle blue lid. I took that out also, laying it on the dark RV carpet. I took the lid off, gingerly though, as if it could crumble at any slight touch. I placed the lid on the ground also, and then there, I saw it again. That small pile of cassette tapes, all tied together with a pale pink ribbon, bowed on the top like a birthday present. It must have taken Cat ages to do this. Even the white box's lid's design looked custom made. She must have put a lot of time into it.

I heard Tori gasp as she noticed the tapes. André, Jade, Robbie; they all must have been shocked actually. I had just told them that I'd found something of Cat's that I thought she'd want us to take a look at. I hadn't told them any more. Besides, I didn't know what more there _was_ to tell. My guess would have been just as good as theirs. I just thought it was going to be a 'thank you and goodbye' type message. But really, I had no way of guessing. I just wanted all of us to be here when we first heard it. All together, at the same time. I'm guessing that's what Cat would have wanted. But the note she left was quite… Vague.

I put my fingers to the side of the box, lifting out a small, piece of white paper with the curly, dark pink writing. I'd always loved Cat's handwriting. It reflected so much on her personality. It was quite small, like her, but with curls and waves and heart-dotted "i"s that made it all look so sweet. So happy and carefree.

Guess I was wrong on that one.

I straightened out the piece of paper, before clearing my throat, about to read the note. None of us had said much for almost an hour. I had come home from school with André, and Tori came here soon after, silent and most likely, too upset to speak. Robbie had come about twenty minutes later. And he hadn't even brought his stupid puppet. Although I hated that plastic toy… It made my heart ache a little. Robbie got upset a lot, over everything, but… Leaving Rex behind? He knew how important today was going to be. And how heartbreaking too. Him not bringing his puppet showed that. A lot.

And Jade… Well, we never even speak much anymore anyway.

Things, they've just changed. I don't know why. We broke up just a few weeks before Cat, um… You know. And, I tried to keep talking to her, and for a few days it was fine, but then she just cut herself off from me. A lot of the time now, she won't come into school for days. And when she comes back, her eyes are all puffy and her face would be red, from what looked like crying. I'd, in fact, we _all_ wouldalways ask if she was alright, and she'd say she's fine. I know she wasn't and still isn't, but after a while, I just had to leave it. I wasn't even sure if she'd turn up here today. But she obviously cares… She and Cat were like sisters, I suppose. I'm just really happy she's here to listen to this with the rest of us.

I thought, as usual, she'd just completely blank me. But when she got to the RV… She hugged me. She didn't utter a word, but… She hugged me.

I'd already read the note, but I did _not_ feel like reading it again. I stood up, and walked closer to the fish tank where Jade and Robbie were standing, near to Tori and André who were sat on my bed. They all moved closer to me, and I put my arm to the side slightly, letting them read the note without me having to once again see it.

'_Jade, Beck, Tori, André, Robbie…_

_I'm done. I'm sorry, but I just can't. _

_There's no point. _

_I'm finished._

_I'm just_…

_Done._

_Cat.'_

I heard Tori whimper, and I guessed that she'd read Cat's words. I knew exactly how she felt too, from when I'd first read it. The words… They stung. It's been two months now. And we haven't moved on, we'd never move on, but we were… Coping. But I'd felt like someone was… Raking at my heart when I'd read it. Reading… A piece of Cat again. Especially when I'd read that Cat was 'done'… I couldn't. I just couldn't.

I'd assumed that the tapes were for us to listen to, as the note next to them was for us, so I'd borrowed my dad's cassette player to listen to them. He'd asked why, at the time. I'd told him it was for a class project.

I went over to the centre of the RV again, leaning down to the box. I heard the familiar sound of my bed spring, and guessed it was Tori sitting down. I then heard André's feet slowly walk closer to me.

I looped my finger underneath one of the dark pink bows, pulling it and letting the tapes sit there freely. I lifted one up, the top one, marked "Uno". Cat loves… _Loved… _Spanish. She always said it sounded so exotic, 'like a koala bear on top of a Christmas tree', in fact. I ran my finger over the edge of the cassette, looking at the dark tape rolled inside.

And who knew what other secrets laid inside them, too?

I pressed the up arrow button on the cassette player, resulting in the lid flipping up, revealing where the tape would be put in. I reached down, and placed the tape inside, pressing down on it until I heard a small click. I closed the lid, and then just sat there, silent for a while. Though suddenly, a small sniff broke the tense atmosphere.

"Please, please, don't press play, Beck," Tori said, almost inaudibly. "What… What if she doesn't really want us to listen to it? She might not want us to; she might be scared if we listen. We don't know what's on there, what if, what if, just please don't, Beck! I can't! I won't be able to take it!"

I felt my heart rate increase as Tori began to sob quietly. She was speaking on behalf of all of us. Cat wanted us to listen to these tapes, we knew that. She wouldn't have left them in here, with that note, if she didn't. But no, Tori. It wasn't her who was scared.

It was all of us.

I turned my head slightly, seeing Tori on my bed, as I had thought, with her hand covering her eyes. André didn't even seem aware that she was crying. He looked so far away; I could see it in his eyes. He was so upset. Robbie was curled up, with his head bent to his knees, on my small armchair. I couldn't see whether he was crying or not. Jade's eyes were red, which I hadn't noticed before when she'd come in. She must have been crying before she came.

It was so weird. It had been almost three months since what had happened. The first day, the first week, the first month even, we'd all cried nonstop. We never even really saw each other – none of us were at school. We just stayed at home, and cried. But as time went by, we'd started to deal with it a little better. We came back to school. We laughed. We smiled. We'd never forget, but… We'd stay strong.

But being about to hear these tapes, assuming that it was Cat's voice on them, would just be another reminder of her. Of what she did. About how Cat, our Cat Valentine…

Took her own life.

But it would explain. It had to explain something. She couldn't just keep us hanging like this, no signs, no explanation; why she would just leave us like that.

"Why, Cat? Please tell us! What did we do? What did, what did _I_ do to make you do that? Please, Cat, please!"

I felt a hand on my shoulder, before quickly turning round and seeing it was André. I lifted my hand to my face and rubbed my eyes, realising some tears had spilled over. The room was silent, and even Tori had stopped her sobs and was now silent. I hadn't even known I was saying all I said out loud. Then again, there was a lot of stuff that I didn't know.

Like why Cat killed herself.

"Press play," I heard in a sore, quiet voice. "We all need to know, Beck." I glanced round once again, and saw Jade staring at me. She just looked so upset, so broken. Pain. Her eyes, my heart, all of our lives… Were just filled with pain.

I sighed, making a final decision. My hand shaking, I found the small triangle symbol, the 'play' button, and lay my finger on it. I knew as soon as I pressed it, our lives would change. There were quite a few tapes in this small white box; each double sided, so listening to them could take a while. But, as I already had said to myself, many times in my head… Why would she record it if she didn't want us to listen to it? Whatever was on them… She wanted us to know.

I quickly slammed my finger against the button, and the sound of the tape rolling began to fill the dark, silent atmosphere. Then, we heard the familiar sound of that little, red haired girl clearing her throat. Like she always did when she was about to speak; either for a performance, or… Explaining something really important.

I could literally hear our hearts beating in the small RV. This was it. Maybe, finally, we'd get some answers. We waited, for what seemed like hours for Cat to speak.

And then it started. And she did.

"_Um, hey. It's Cat here, on May twenty ninth, two thousand and twelve. _

_I'm guessing you guys have read the note I just wrote. If you haven't, it's there in the box you found these tapes in. It's just short, don't worry._

_I would have ripped that note and burnt it to ashes if I knew I wouldn't need it. And these empty tapes, and tape recorder I have sitting in front of me right now… All of them would have been thrown in the junkyard forever too. But, um… Since you're listening to this now… It means that I haven't. It means I was successful. It means that I did it, I ended it… I finished life._

_My life… It's worthless. I'm worthless. And yes, I know, I'm always so happy, and smiling, and have such a cute voice, and I'm always saying all these random things, and you all wish you could have a life 'as carefree as Cat's!'. Yeah, well, that's where you're wrong. You're fucking wrong, you guys. Why would you want my life? I'm worthless. I don't deserve life, there's no point in me having one, I don't need one, I don't want one anymore. I just hate it, I hate life, I hate living. I don't want it. I just can't. _

_You want answers, right? I know. And I'll give them to you; _all_ the other tapes that you'll see in the white box will have them all on 'em. 'Cause I know how confused you probably are right now. About how this 'all came out of nowhere', and how 'Cat never seemed like she'd feel like this', and 'I thought everything was happy in her world!'. No. It isn't. It isn't, it wasn't, and it never fucking will be. So… I'm gonna do it. Right after I finish recording the last tape for you, and I wrap them up, and put them in a box… I'm going to end it. I'm just going to end it all._

_And don't think this just started in high school or whatever. No. The shit in my life… It started a long time ago. Trust me._

_So… Yeah._

_And oh, before I go on, can I just say, um… I love you guys. Jade, Beck, André, Tori, Robbie, I love you. And I'm so sorry. I'm such a worthless person. I don't deserve you guys, or anything in life for that matter. I just wasted space on this earth; I've just made you waste your life hanging out with me. So, I am so sorry. But I'll be leaving soon, don't worry. Me, just… My shit presence… Will be gone from your lives forever._

_So, um, as I said before, I'm about to record the rest of the tapes. And I'll number them too. So you can listen to them all in the right order. I think I'll do the numbers in Spanish, though, ha._

_Braden loved Spanish._

_And, um, the last tape, whatever number it'll be… I guess it will be a kind of goodbye. A farewell. A '__Hasta la vista__, Catty'. I don't know. Just the last thing I leave you guys with, really._

_You know, I never really thought I'd get to a point where I'd actually want to end my life. Really. I know I hate living. And I know I hate life. I'm already doing all this stuff to my body to try to ease the pain a little anyway. But I promised you_…_ I promised _you_ that I would never try to take my life. _You_, you know who you are. But… I'm sorry. I'm sorry to all of you guys. I guess it all just got too much._

_What's the point of living if you don't deserve a life, huh?_

_So, um, yeah. Here it is. Your once in a life time chance to listen to the sad… Pathetic… Fucking worthlessness of the story that is… Caterina Valentine… My life, I guess."_

As soon as we heard the click of Cat obviously pressing the stop button on the recorder, and the rolls of tape in the cassette player stop rolling, the RV fell silent.

I had just heard Cat's voice. Cat, Cat Valentine; the girl who is dead. She-I just heard her-she's there-she's going to tell us- why-please-help-I can't-breathe—

…

"Beck! Beck, do something! Open your mouth, Beck, breathe! Do something!"

"Beck, please wake up, or just come back, or stop whatever you're doing right now! Beck!"

"Beck! Beck, you need to snap out of this! Ugh, I'm sorry-"

I soon felt a sharp, stinging sensation of Jade's palm being slapped across my cheek. But before I'd even had a chance to be shocked, I realised that I needed oxygen. Now. I felt like I'd just drowned. I couldn't breathe. I just… I don't even know.

I looked up, to see my four friends staring at me with scared eyes. Tori was standing above me, her cheeks wet, and she was sobbing slightly as she looked at me. André had his hands placed firmly on my shoulders, and I guess he had just been shaking me. Robbie seemed just about ready to collapse. He looked so scared, and he just looked so upset. And Jade was still leant down a bit, from when she had slapped me just moments before. Like Tori's, her cheeks were wet and tearstained. I couldn't take them being like this. I just couldn't. I shut my eyes, beginning to cry as well.

"Beck, that was so scary!" I heard Tori say, her voice breaking in between her own sobs. I felt her lean down and hug me. "You wouldn't do anything! The tape ended and you were just still, just staring, you weren't breathing and you weren't answering us, Beck!"

"It was Cat," I said quietly in her neck. "I'm sorry, it just-"

"It seems so unreal," Robbie finished for me. "We heard her voice again. We heard her again. We heard… Cat…"

I moved away from Tori's arms, and felt André remove his hands from my shoulders also. He stood upright, sighing and then just stared into space. "No. That wasn't Cat. That, that wasn't my Lil' Red. She's not like that, she's not depressed, she's not suicidal, she's not-"

"Yes, she is, André!" Jade yelled, her voice breaking into sobs as she did so. "Didn't you hear her? That's exactly what she was trying to say! We think she's all happy, she obviously isn't! Wasn't…" She was silent for a second, sobbing at the correction of the word she just had to make. "Or, or why would she be dead? She's was hiding what she obviously felt inside!"

I stood up quickly, turning and facing Jade. "She doesn't _feel_ anything now, remember, Jade?" I shouted, just feeling so confused, and sad, and angry. "She _felt! Felt!_ Everything's supposed to be said in the past now! She's dead!"

Tori gasped, and even I was shocked at the harshness in my own voice. I was just so upset! Cat! How could she just keep this from us? How she was feeling? Why didn't she say anything? Why didn't she tell us?

We all slowly recovered from this outburst. Tori was still sniffing, and André was still stood there, staring into nothingness, but… We'd calmed down. It was soon silent in the RV. Just us, all alone, with our thoughts.

Suddenly, Robbie spoke in a quiet, formal manor.

"Cat swore."

I sat back down on the floor again, before rubbing my eyes with my hand. "I know," I replied quietly. "She said a lot of other things too."

And none of us really said anything after that. At least three hours must have gone by, but there had just been silence. Tori offered to make us all something to eat, as it was approaching eleven o'clock now, but we'd all said it was fine. We all just wanted to sit there really. Not saying anything. None of us needed to speak anyway, really. There was nothing to explain to one another. We all already knew.

Cat was going to tell us why.

Why she'd killed herself.

We'd listened to the first tape now.

We'd been drawn in, tempted, dazed, mesmerised, just so infuriatingly determined to know why.

So… There was no going back.

**Kinda inspired by Jay Asher's '13 Reasons Why'. Do you like this? If you do, thanks. :] If you don't, give it a little time? x] I've had the idea to do a story like this for a while. Review if you like it, review if you don't, hehe. ;]**

**FlorMorada.**


	2. Lost Without Knowledge

**Caterina Valentine: My Life.**

FlorMorada

**I do NOT own Victorious, or any songs that may be used.**

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:**

Just to let you know… This story will NOT be a rip-off of Th1rteen R3asons Why. Changed names, a map for the group to follow, like in the book, and slightly altered text so I don't get sued? No way. Victorious ain't mine, Jay Asher's book ain't either, but 'Caterina Valentine: My Life' sure as hell is. K? Okay.

And something a little more _interesting…_ I've thought of 'reasons why' for all the characters, but that does not mean I have to stick with them. It'd be great to see what you guys think too. I could maybe even use yours for the story, _if_ I changed my mind on my own. So if you have one, in a review; for Beck, Jade, André, Robbie and Tori, _give me a 'reason why'_. :]

Sorry for the long Author's Note. Just wanted to tell you guys those two things. Now, onto the story.

And thanks to _Trypophobica _for her amazing Beta-ing skills. ;]

**NOTE:**

"This writing" is in the present, or in 'real life'.

"_This writing" is_ Cat speaking on her tapes, or a note that someone's written.

"_**This writing"**_ is Cat having a flashback, or happenings in the past.

**Chapter Two**

**Lost Without Knowledge**

I flicked the light switch off, before going to sit down at the very edge of the sofa. I'd let the rest of my friends crash here in my RV tonight…. Partly because it was so late, and nobody wanted to drive around at night, but alsobecause we all just needed each other right now. Not necessarily through words, or speaking to one another, but emotionally. After all, we'd just heard a girl who we thought we'd never hear again explain that she'd tell us why she'd committed suicide… It was a lot to take in.

Though my RV was hardly big enough for me alone. Or me and Jade, when she used to stay the night here. I still, to this day, do not understand how it was the heat _outside _that caused us to be so delirious that day we all got stuck in this RV, instead of the heat from our roasting _bodies _because of the close proximity of them.

Tori was asleep on the sofa, which I'd pulled out to make more like a bed. I could still see the faint tear marks streaked down her cheeks. And André was laid next to her, his arm lightly draped across her shoulder; he'd been comforting her before she'd fallen asleep. He, as well as me and Jade, were still awake.

"Hey, man," I said to him quietly, so as to not wake the others. Robbie, in the centre of the room on a small mattress I'd found him, stirred, but stayed asleep. "You okay, Andre?"

André sat up slightly, looking over to me. "No," he replied simply.

I sighed, standing up from the sofa, and bending down to my murky water filled fish tank at the edge of the room. Right. Stupid question. Of course André wasn't okay.

None of us were 'okay'.

I stared at the seven goldfish that were swimming around in the water. It's weird how they just… Swim around. Like, do fish have families, or friends? They seem to have nothing on their mind to think about. They just… Swim. When a fellow fish of theirs dies, and I have to go flush it… They're fine. They act like nothing's happened. As if death doesn't even mean anything.

Lucky them.

I heard the faucet of my bathroom tap turn off, and Jade slowly pushed the bathroom door open, coming into the main room. I just really wished I could put my finger on it. All of us had changed, and become a lot more depressed since Cat's death, yeah. After hearing Cat's voice on these tapes, and knowing that she was going to tell us why she committed suicide; it made us all depressed. But there was something _else_. I just really wished I could put my finger on it. Something else was wrong with Jade, and only Jade. I'd noticed her change in attitude like this from months ago. She used to have so much trust in me.- I don't know what happened. I just wished she'd tell us – Or at least, tell me. I was hoping that the hug she'd given me earlier was a sign that she would, perhaps, open up to me a little more?

"Are you alright, Jade?" I asked as she walked over to my bed, sliding her many bracelets off her wrist and flopping down on her back. She closed her eyes.

"Yes, Beck, I'm fine."

I waited for her to talk a little more, but after a few seconds, she still hadn't. I just really wanted to know what was going on with her. It was hard enough having to deal with one tragedy in our lives. How Jade was dealing with this obvious other problem too, I'd never know.

"Are… Are you sure?"

Suddenly, Jade pressed her hands over her eyes, groaning loudly, before taking her hands off again and opening her eyes to glare at me.

"Ugh, fuck, Beck!" she yelled at me. I stared at her, slightly taken aback. "I'm fine, okay? I am fine! All the time, everyday, for months;" she sat up, and lowered her voice to impersonate me, "'Are you alright?', 'Jade, what's wrong?', 'You okay, Jade?'"

I was just asking if she was alright; I didn't expect her to get this pissed. When she's angry, she's usually always so calm. It's what makes her look more scary, to be honest. I don't know why she's so mad!

"I've told you more than once, Beck, and I will tell you again. I. Am. Fine. So quit asking me! 'Cause I swear, Beck, if you do so one more time, I will fucking punch you."

I raised my eyebrows, in shock at her response. Well, excuse me for showing some concern for my friend… My best friend. My ex-girlfriend for God's sake! "_Okay_, Jade! You know, I'm just making sure you're o-"

"What..?

Jade sat up from my bed, and I turned around to see Tori slowly sitting up from the sofa, yawning. André sat up properly also.

"Yeah, I was just about to tell you guys to shut the hell up," he said, sighing. "You guys' little argument thing just woke Tori up."

I heard Jade sigh. "Just shut up, André," she said coldly.

Tori rubbed her eyes, before sitting up properly, and crossing her legs Indian style on the bed… Sofa… Thing. She looked to André, then Jade. "It's okay, guys. Don't start _another _fight." She yawned again. "I wasn't really sleeping properly anyway."

I looked back to Jade again, and she just sent me a death glare. Robbie then stirred again, most likely because of all the noise in the RV right now. He gasped, and suddenly sat up from the mattress, turning his head to look round the room.

"What, Rob?" I asked.

I saw him look around the room once more, before seemingly coming to a realisation and sighing. "Nothing," he said quietly. "I just had a dream. About… Cat. And it just felt really… Real."

"Another nightmare?" Tori asked softly. Robbie nodded his head.

"You've been having a lot of those, man," André said to him. "You could tell us what they're about… It could make things better."

Robbie shook his head, looking down. "I can't. I just… Can't."

We were all silent for a moment. I was kind of glad I hadn't gone to sleep, actually. I had no idea what thoughts would appear in my mind as I slept, after hearing that one tape. It was only the first. Who knew how many stories she was going to tell us?

"Can we please listen to the next tape?" Robbie suddenly asked.

I flipped my wrist round to look at my watch. It was 2:16am.

"Right… Right now?" I said quizzically… _Half_ quizzically. I knew what Robbie meant. Listening to the one tape was like watching part one of a movie. We'd already started some… We really wanted to find out about the rest.

Avoiding Jade this time, unsure as to whether she'd calmed down towards me, or was still dangerously murderous, I looked around to the others, silently asking them if I should play the second side of this first tape.

The look in their eyes was clear.

I went to the cassette player, pressed eject, then lifted out the tape and reversed the side. I slowly closed the lid again, and looked to my friends once more.

We'd done this once before, just a few hours ago, in fact. But still, putting the tape in and being afraid, not knowing what we would find out was… Terrifying.

André's eyes met mine, and I saw him nod at me.

I pressed play.

…

_"Hey, it's Cat. Which you already know, obviously, hehe… Um… If you're listening to this, I see you've decided to carry on with my little tape story thing. So, um… Thanks._

_Well… Everything started in second grade. I guess, like, Lilith… Well, she's bullied me all my life. But that wasn't a major problem. It hurt, but I could push it behind me. What happened that day with Braden… That was the start of my living hell._

_And um, Tori, André? You guys probably don't know about what I'm gonna explain to you guys. If you do, then… Beck, Jade, Robbie; _**all **_have very big mouths._

_So, um… You know how I said that my big brother, Braden, the um… _Photographer… _Often had to move around? And that I never got to see him, and _you _guys never saw him because he often had to travel around the world; he always in a different place? Well… I guess that's not a complete lie. He did love taking pictures, haha. But he isn't… Wasn't… A photographer. Though, he, um… Sure is in a different place. Different from here, I'm guessing._

_I know you guys always wanted to know more about Braden. Especially you, André, you always used to ask me. So, here you go. Braden 101 for you. The full truth about him._

_Just… Don't give Beck and Jade and Robbie a hard time for not telling you. I told them a few years ago. But I didn't want them to tell you, or anyone in fact. Telling people would only bring me sympathy. And I didn't, and still don't want to be feeling even more weak, and hopeless, and different. But I'm gonna be gone now anyway. You guys won't be able to show me sympathy… Even if you tried._

_So… Yeah. Here's tape uno, side V… 'Braden 101'."_

…

_**As I walked through my front door, I quickly inhaled, expecting to smell the familiar, fresh scent of the oatmeal and raison cookies that my mom always made each Thursday for when I arrived home. For a year she's been doing it now; I had begged her to start making them after this kid let me try one of theirs back in 2nd grade. Today I couldn't smell anything though, and sighed knowing that I'd have to settle for boring milk-dipped Oreos.**_

_**I called out for my mom, who, like the cookies, was also nowhere in sight. I waited for her reply, saying she was upstairs, or outside hanging up the laundry, or in the study doing work.**_

_**I held my breath, trying to be as silent as possible, in case she'd called out quietly and I hadn't heard.**_

_**Nope. Nothing.**_

_**All I could hear was the hum of the refrigerator in the kitchen next door, the dripping of the tap that Braden seemed to always leave on, and my own heart that was beginning to thump a little in my chest.**_

_**Where was my mom? Everyday, I'd walk from the school bus bus stop, with Beck, and sometimes Jade and Robbie, though none of them were at school today, and mom would come down to the front door as soon as she heard the gate swing open.**_

_**I began to panic a little. Well… She always told me how much work she had to do. She always was busy - maybe she got held up at her office? Though… She would have told me that she was going to be busy in advance. Or phoned my school… No, something was definitely not right.**_

_**Wait a minute… Braden.**_

_**He must be home. Maybe he's just up in his room with the door closed. My older brother, Braden, he's… Special. He's special, just like me, I suppose. My mom always says that everyone is special, in some way. Just… Braden is even more so than other kids. More special than me, definitely more special than my older sister Lilith. **_**Her**_**. She isn't special at all.**_

…

_**Braden's four years older than me, but in a lot of ways, he's much younger. He's Autistic. Whatever that means. I don't know, I just hear my mom speaking to some woman on the phone about it, and about him, all the time. We haven't learnt about it in school, but I think I already know lots about it.**_

_**For example, Braden can't read big kid books like me. Like, I read a book with eight chapters in it at school today… He wouldn't be able to do that. He has to read all my 2nd grade books. Or I have to read all his big kid books to him.**_

_**And he doesn't have as many friends as I do. I have Beck and Jade and Robbie, and more or less all of the other kids in 2nd grade too. And a lot of 6th graders are friends with me because they think I'm 'so cute'… But Braden just has Cindy, this woman that comes to talk to him sometimes. And my mom; she's his friend. And me. Braden has me. He says I'm his best friend.**_

_**And up until just a few months ago, Braden wasn't even at a normal school. It was a special one, for special people, like him. He only started going to middle school in December. And it isn't the middle school that I'm going to go to when I get to 7th grade, it's one much closer to our house. My mom said she wants to be as close to him as possible, which I really don't get. Braden's always with my mom more than I am, and I'm younger… Anyway, before December, my mom taught Braden at home. His work was really easy, and I even did it for him sometimes. I could do his Maths homework in my sleep, but… He could hardly do it at all. I remember, I asked my mom a while ago, about why he couldn't do all his work, and why he didn't go to normal school, and why he was so special. But she didn't really answer.**_

_**She just told me that that's the way it is.**_

_**I threw my rucksack off my shoulder before going through the hall to the stairs. I got up them remarkably quickly. I must have taken two -if not three- steps at a time.**_

_**"Braden?" I called out, hearing the hysteria in my voice that I hadn't realised was so heavily there. I turned to the left, making my way to the second door in the upstairs hall; my brother's bedroom. "Braden? Braden, are you… are you here?"**_

_**Hearing no reply, I felt my heart start to beat a bit faster. I got to my brother's room, and noticed the door slightly ajar. Pushing it open, I ran into his room. I closed my eyes, trying to calm down a little. I desperately hoped that he was there… Playing a video game, watching TV, sleeping, playing some mean hide 'n' seek trick on me, even. Anything. I just wanted him to be there, so I could be sure that at least something was normal.**_

_**I opened my eyes.**_

_**He wasn't there.**_

_**His bed was made and untouched, his dark blue duvet pulled up to the pillow, the corner slightly folded over. Exactly how my mom always makes it in the morning. Braden always takes a nap when he gets home, which is before me, but he obviously hadn't even touched his bed. He never missed his nap in the afternoon. Which could only mean… He hadn't been home.**_

_**As I realised all of this, I felt myself breathing rapidly once again. Where was he? Where was my mom? What was- what was happening? Why's the house empty; why's no one here? I let out an exasperated sob before absent-mindedly calling out my mother's name, over and over again.**_

…

_**Suddenly, I heard the metal gate being pushed open outside, and the jingle of keys being turned in the lock of the front door.**_

_**"Please let it be Mommy," I whispered to myself. "Please."**_

_**I walked out of Braden's bedroom, before quickening my pace and leaping down the stairs. I rushed to front door, reaching forward to open it a split second before the key opened it at the same time.**_

_**"Caterina!"**_

_**I stopped dead in my tracks, and my breath hitched.**_

_**It wasn't my mother. It was Lilith. My older sister Lilith.**_

…

_**I hadn't seen her for… Almost two months,**__** most **__**probably. She… She wasn't a sister to me at all. She hated me, and my brother, and my mom, even though my mom would never admit it. She always said **_**that **_**she was just 'going through some tough times'.**_

_**I suppose she **__had__** gone through a hard time. She wasn't actually really my sister; she was my half sister, really. I don't really know what that even means. Her dad is a different person from mine and Braden's dad, and I don't think she really liked that. She was always mean to me… For no reason at all.**_

_**I was actually quite happy these past few weeks when I**_** didn't have **_**to see her. She wasn't even supposed to have left, though, I don't think. My mom certainly wasn't happy about it. It was just one day, those two months ago, at about ten o'clock at night, she went out to her friend's… **_**Party**_**. I don't think it was a party at all. She wasn't dressed right…**_

_**My mom always dressed me in pretty patterned dresses when I was going to parties, but Lilith wasn't wearing that at all. She was wearing half a top - it looked like a normal top but you could see the whole of her tummy. And the stud in the middle. And she was wearing a skirt, but not like the pink, layered ones I wear for ballet; it was tight, and really, really short. And she was wearing dark, really high-heeled boots… Not for a party, I was sure.**_

_**Anyway, I heard my mom talking on the phone to her the next day when I'd come home from school. She hadn't known I'd been listening to the conversation. I'd heard her asking my sister repeatedly where she was, until she finally told her. She was at her boyfriend's house.**_

**Him**_**. I hated him. Lilith was always meaner to me when he was around.**_

_**I had watched my mom's facial expressions the whole time she was on the phone. She seemed… Angry. Then again she always seemed angry with Lilith. I guess she just thought she'd return home after her night with her boyfriend. But she didn't.**_

_**Today is the first I've seen of her.**_

_**And her calling me Caterina… I, I don't even know. She knows people call me Cat, and I like it when people call me Cat, but says my full name anyway… Just another way for her to distance herself from me, probably.**_

…

_**"Lilith," I said to her in shock, stuttering slightly. "Do you know..? Where Mommy is? Or where Bra- my brother is?" I didn't want to risk seeing that annoyed look on my sister's face when I referred to my brother as just 'Braden'. It made it seem like he was **_**both** _**of our brothers. And she hated that.**_

_**"Caterina, get your stuff. We, we need to go." She picked my rucksack up from the floor where I had thrown it, and grabbed my arm, pulling me out the door. I squealed, trying to shake my arm from her. I hated Lilith, and I did not trust her either. I did no**_**t**_** want her just pulling me off somewhere.**_

_**I managed to pull my arm away. "No!" I shouted. "I, I just want to see Mommy! And my brother!"**_

_**She sighed, before grabbing my arm again hastily.**_

_**"Just take me to them!" I exclaimed, as she slammed the front door shut and dragged me to her car. No, it wasn't her car. It was her boyfriend's. I'd seen it out the window when she'd left those weeks ago. I hoped he wasn't there inside it…**_

_**She carried on pulling me, without a glance to me, let alone answering my panicked questions. It was like I wasn't even there!**_

_**I screamed at her, my voice coming out screeched and high pitched. It probably sounded like a kidnap to the neighbours, and, to be honest, it certainly felt like one. "Please, Lilith!" I shouted again. "Take me to them, please!"**_

_**Still silent, Lilith pushed me into the back of the car, which, unlike my mom's one, didn't have car seat, so I was very low down in the seat. Without even waiting to check if I'd put my seatbelt on, she slammed the door. Her boyfriend wasn't here. Good. But that only make the situation point one per cent better.**_

_**"Lilith, please tell me where we are going!" I yelled as she walked round to the driver's seat, my throat now in pain from screaming.**_

_**Not only did I need to know where my sister was taking me, but… I'd also always been scared going places with **_**her **_**in a car. My mom would never let me. She'd said something about her being 'drunk'. I had no idea what that even meant, but I knew it wasn't good. And I knew that she often wasn't safe for driving.**_ _**That's why she had to go to this big room a few months ago, with people with funny white hair. It was for… 'Drunk driving'?**_

_**Whatever that was.**_

_**I put a hand to**_** my cheeks**_**, and felt the wetness of tears streaming down them. I hadn't even noticed I was crying. I didn't even know I was this scared. I let out a sob; now, on top of every other emotion that was flowing through my body, I was feeling broken that my sister wouldn't even reply to me.**_

_**She turned the engine on and began to drive. Looking at me in the mirror, for the first time in ages, I could see something other than just fiery anger in her eyes. She**_** was**_**… She was scared.**_

_**"We're going to the hospital."**_

_**I began to panic again. "What! Why?"**_

_**Once again, I received no response.**_

"_**Is Mommy okay? Is, is my brother-" I noticed Lilith's eyes dart back to the road as I said that part of the sentence. "Lilith!" I cried. "My brother! Is Braden okay?"**_

_**My sister adjusted the mirror before returning her full attention to the road again. I couldn't help but let my tears flow and my sobs come full out now. Something was wrong.**_

_**Something was wrong with Braden. But what was worse…**_

_**I had no idea what it was.**_

…

_**Lilith parked in the first hospital car parki**_**ng**_** space she could find, before running to my side of the car and opening the door. I was crying to hard at this point that I could hardly even walk. "Come on, Caterina," she said, tugging me. Sighing, she pulled me out of the car and lifted me up, before locked the door. Even with me**_**,**_** now aged seven, my sister could still easily carry me. I was only a little bigger than most of the kindergarteners.**_

_**We ran into the hospital, me still on Lilith's hip, and went to the reception desk.**_

_**"Valentine, Braden Valentine?" Lilith asked loudly; out of breath from running from the parking lot. "What room is he in? We need to see him."**_

_**The woman at the reception desk sighed, looking up from her magazine to my sister, with a bored expression across her face. "I'm sorry, ma'am," she said in monotone, obviously having said it several times throughout the day already. "You're going to need to show some ID. Do you have a passport, and drivers' licence or any other form of identification we can use to identify you with?"**_

_**"Who carries a passport around with them?" Lilith exclaimed angrily. "And I came in my boyfriend's car… My licence isn't with me." She dropped me down from her hip, and ran a hand through her pink streaked, long, blonde hair. "Look, I'm Lilith Valentine… Brother of Braden Valentine, daughter of Alyssa O'Brian, our mother, who's in the same room with Braden right now. Me and my sister need to go see them. Like, quickly."**_

_**The receptionist rolled her eyes, before returning her focus to her computer. "Once again, ma'am, I will need a hard copy of some form of identification to allow you to see your-"**_

_**"Fuck your identification!" Lilith shouted, suddenly gripping my hand and pulling me past the desk.**_

_**I looked up at her, struggling to take big enough strides to keep up with her fast pace. "But, but, Lilith, the lady said you need to give her-"**_

_**"A slap?" she interrupted. "Yeah, I probably should. Fucking bitch."**_

_**I winced slightly as I heard my sister use such obscene language. But those words in my brain were the last of the worries on my mind.**_

_**"Please take me to Mommy and, and my brother, Lilith, please," I said, tears spilling from my eyes once again. My sister looked at a post with the map of the hospital, before dragging me into an elevator.**_

_**"Caterina, we are going to them, okay?"**_

_**"But is my brother okay?"**_

_**Lilith turned herself away from me slightly. Just like in the car, she had avoided this question. I tugged her arm, still crying. "Lilith! Is he okay? Is Braden okay?"**_

_**She groaned loudly, putting a hand over her face. "I don't know, Caterina, okay? I don't know!" I let out a sob once again. She… **_**She** _**didn't know? But Lilith knew everything. If she didn't know, then who did?**_

_**"I'm just so scared!" I said to her.**_

_**Lilith sighed, moving her hand from her face and bending down to look me in the eye. "I know, Caterina. I… I am too. And I'd love to tell you everything would be fine. But… I can't lie to you, Caterina. I don't know. I really don't know."**_

_**I felt even more tears roll down my cheek as the elevator door slid apart. I couldn't even speak now. If Lilith was scared… Whatever was going on was definitely really, really bad.**_

_**Lilith dragged me out of the door, into what looked like a never-ending hallway. But… I just need to know! My brother, Braden… I wish someone could tell me… What was happening?**_

_**I just needed to **_**know**_**.**_

…

_**"Mommy!" I shouted, racing towards my mom who was knelt down by a bed with a huge… Machine-y thing next to it. Finally after running, well, Lilith was the one running; I was mostly… dragged; through endlessly long hallway, we'd found the room that my mom was in. As soon as she heard my voice, she looked up.**_

_**"Oh, my Cat!" she exclaimed, as she brought me into her arms. I wrapped my arms around her neck, her cheeks squishing against mine, and I felt they were wet with tears.**_

_**"Mommy!" I said, crying again. "I-I was really scared, Mommy! I came home, and, and you weren't there, and, and Braden, is he-?"**_

_**I felt my mom's body jump as she let out a sob. At Braden's name. Again.**_

_**"Mommy, no one is telling me! Is Braden o-"**_

_**"Oh my God."**_

_**I looked up to see that Lilith had walked to the other side of the bed. She was looking down into it, and then looked at the huge, sliver machine thing. She put a hand to her face, and I saw tears start to spill from her eyes.**_

_**"Oh, please, Mom. No, this can't. It can't be. No, this can't, it can't, no!"**_

_**I jumped out from my mom's lap, and heard her let out a loud cry. I ran round to the other side of the bed, tiptoeing to see what was inside. What, what was making my mom… **_**And** _**Lilith… Cry?**_

_**I started in shock. With closed eyes, a blank expression on his face, and big, long wires attached to his face and to his body…**_

_**Was my brother, Braden.**_

…

**Ooh, suspense. I hope. Or I've failed…**

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:**

**So, if you've not realised, what will happen for each reason is:**

**Cat will explain what her story tape will be about, then it will be told by a flashback type of thing, as shown above, then Cat's voice will come on again, kind of concluding the 'flashbackical' explanation.**

**The reason Cat's 'conclusion' is not here right now is because I split the chapter into two… And I need to finish writing it too. :]**

**There will also a parallel storyline within the group. Bar Cat. Obviously.**

**And the whole 'Jade being all mad with Beck' problem? There's a reason. An extremely relevant reason, that will kind of, like… Be responsible for what happens at the **_**end**_ **of this story! All will be revealed. Patience.**

**Thanks for all you guys' kind reviews! I always reply to all reviews on PM. Special thank you to **_**Swagiana Grande **_**for her especially sweet one! Also, thank you to the anonymous reviewers; **_**The moon, Rebekah, Kyra**_ **and **_**Kristina**_**. Thanks to people who've followed or favourited.**

**Please review. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and are excited to know what's happened. I know everyone says this, but **_**reviews motivate me! **_**It's true. So review! :] And remember to tell me your 'reasons why'. They'd be much appreciated. Ha, I sound all posh.**

**FlorMorada.**


	3. When I Die, Please Let Me See You

**Caterina Valentine: My Life.  
**  
FlorMorada

**I do NOT own Victorious, or any songs that may be used.**

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:**

Continuation of the previous chapter.

Enjoy. :]

**NOTE:  
**  
"This writing" is in the present, or in 'real life'.  
"_This_ _writing_" is Cat speaking on her tapes, or a note that someone's written.  
"_**This**_ _**writing**_" is Cat having a flashback, or happenings in the past.

-  
**Chapter Three  
When I Die, Please Let Me See You**

_**I felt my heart skip a beat as I saw Braden's face again. He was okay. Everything was fine.**_

_**He was only sleeping!**_

_**He had big, white wires on him though, from that machine-y thing… But he was fine.**_

_**I smiled, wiping the tears from my eyes. I jumped up and down a little. "Braden! Oh my God, I was so scared that something happened to you! I came home from school and you weren't there, and when I kept asking about you no one would tell me! But… But you're okay!"**_

_**Silence.**_

_**Just two sobs. One from Lilith, the other from my mom.**_

_**"Braden?" I put my hand onto his arm, shaking gently. "Braden, wake up! It's me! Cat!"**_

_**Silence. And more sobs.**_

_**"Braden…" I said in singsong. "It's me! Cat! Cat-e-riii-na!"**_

_**More silence. More sobs.**_

_**I frowned; I was kinda worried now. "Braden?" I said, shaking his arm again. "Why aren't you answering me? You always answer me - you wake up when I say something Spanish-y! 'Cause it makes me sound all funny and exotic! Remember?"**_

_**He still didn't reply. I felt a few tears roll down my cheeks again, but left them there. I came to a realization.**_

_**Oh. No.**_

_**"Oh, Braden! Braden, are you mad at me?" I said, feeling really bad all of a sudden. I mean, I don't think I'd done anything to make him mad, but… He was Braden! He could take a lot of things in the wrong way. Seriously, we did not go past a single day without him yelling, 'What's that supposed to mean?!' But. What if I had done something this time?**_

_**"Did I do something bad, Braden? Is that why you don't want to wake up and answer me?"**_

_**Silence. Sobs. And not just from my mother and sister, now from me as well.**_

_**"Braden! I'm sorry! I'm really, really sorry if I've made you mad! I, I won't do it again, just please still talk to me! Don't not talk to me, Braden!"**_

_**"He… He can't, sweetie," I heard my mom say, before she burst into tears once again.**_

_**I sniffed, wiping my nose. "I know, because he's mad at me, but," I shook his arm again, "I'm sorry, Braden! I'm really sorry!"**_

_**"No, Caterina, he can't," Lilith shouted to me. "He literally can't! He can't and he never will again!"**_

_**"No! No, don't say that, Lilith!" I hit my fist to her as I said each word. Unbelievably, she didn't even hit me back. She just fell to ground, leaning against the bed, still crying.**_

_**"Braden!"**_

_**"He's… He's asleep, honey," my mom whispered, looking down.**_

_**"Well, then," I shouted, tugging on his arm this time, "wake up! Wake up, Braden, wake up!" I reached to his leg and shook him harder. "Please, Braden! Wake up! Now!"**_

_**"Oh, Cat." my mom said, sobbing loudly now. "He can't! Cat, he can't!"**_

_**I then screamed at the top of my lungs to get her to stop. For both her and my sister to stop! To stop saying that! No, Braden always wake up! He can never… **_**Not** _**wake up!**_

_**"Braden!" I screamed, crying and jumping up and down. "Braden, wake up, now!"**_

_**Silence. Still!**_

_**My mom and sister weren't even crying anymore, they were just on the ground with their head in their hands, but I could see the tears still falling from their eyes.**_

_**I couldn't take it.**_

_**I let out another scream, shaking my head. W- why was no one explaining to me properly? "Tell me! Just tell me! What do you mean, Braden 'can't wake up'? No! You're lying! You're, you're lying! "**_

_**Silence.**_

_**I was in hysterics now. I screamed again, my head now hurting from crying so hard and yelling so much. But why? Why wouldn't Braden wake up?**_

_**Suddenly, I saw the doors that me and Lilith had come through in swing open, and a man and lady in dark blue hospital clothes ran in.**_

_**"We're here," the man said into a phone looking thing on his shoulder. "No, we just guessed which room, to be honest. We could hear the kid from all the way across the hall."**_

_**The lady then turned to the man. "This is… You know, Mr. Valentine…"**_

_**"Right." The man walked towards me.**_

_**"No!" I screamed, my throat now feeling raw. "G-go away! Just tell me whatever Lilith and Mommy aren't telling me, and wake Braden up for me! Please!"**_

_**The lady then walked forwards too. "I'm sorry, I know," she said softly, before attempting to pick me up.**_

_**I violently shook my head, before screaming again, probably the loudest and high-pitched so far.**_

_**'Know'? She.. she didn't know! How could she know if I didn't know! Why my mom was crying? Why even Lilith was crying? Why, why Braden wasn't waking up? Of course she didn't know!**_

_**The lady managed to get me into her grasp, and I punched her, and I kicked her, and I even managed to leave a light scratch mark on her face, but it was useless. I heard her sigh, before the man came up closer to me.**_

_**I suddenly felt a sharp, painful prick in my left arm, and instantly felt my body go weak.**_

_**"I'm sorry, kiddo," the lady said once more, gripping me tighter in her arms. "I'm really sorry."**_

_**And then everything went black.**_

...

_"I only found this out from my sister a couple of days later, but. It was a sedative which that man had injected me with. Apparently, the busy hospital staff, as well as quite a few patients, had complained about my screaming and sent both those workers up. I was having a panic attack, I guess. They had to sedate me to calm my body down._

_Anyway… I also found out what that 'machine-y thing' was. With what seemed like thousands of wires, all attached to my brother._

_It was life support._

_Braden… he'd suffered severe brain damage._

_There were these two boys at Braden's new school. Tom and Mike; those was their names. Braden had spoken to us about them for a while; how they were really kind and stuff, and let him sit at their lunch table, and always hung out with him at recess._

_My mom had been a little worried at first. Of course, at aged seven, I, like, didn't get why. Braden was only making friends. Proper friends, not just me and my mom. But, obviously, I get it now. Autism… It kinda makes it hard to make friends. No one likes people who're 'different'. So it was hard to tell if Tom and Mike really wanted to be Braden's friends. I'd thought they did. My mom had thought they didn't._

_She'd been right, I guess._

_I don't think I was ever really meant to find out, you know. But Tom and Mike obviously confessed. Plus, my mom talks too loud on the phone. Ha._

_On the Monday of that week, when it all really started… Braden had gone to school completely as normal. Travelled there with my mom, amazingly happy, excited to see those. 'Friends' of his. And at recess…_

_**Tom leaned behind Braden's back, looking to his annoying-follower-but-best-friend-anyway partner in crime, and snickered quietly. Mike just looked back at him, eyebrows raised, before obviously catching on. He smirked, before leaning forwards to be next to Braden once again. Both the boys smiled at him.**_

_They asked my brother if he wanted to play dares._

_**"Cat said that dares can be dangerous," Braden said, looking to the two other boys in seriousness. "I don't think we should."**_

_**Mike chuckled uncertainly. "Um, what?"**_

_**Tom raised an eyebrow. "Wait, Cat?" he questioned. Braden nodded, and he just scoffed in response. Mike burst out laughing. "Your sister? Er, hello, what the hell does she know?" Tom criticized. "She's, like, seven!"**_

_**Braden stood up, glaring at the two boys still sat on the bench. "I trust Cat," he said firmly. "I don't care what her age is."**_

_**"But, you see, the thing is," Tom started, standing up as Mike did also, "Cat's a girl. And girls are nasty, gross. Fairy princess loving people who always want to ruin boys' fun."**_

_**"I don't think Cat's nasty or gross. And neither is Mom. And Lilith hates fairies and princesses, especially if it's Cat talking about them."**_

_**Mike sighed. "I thought you were our friend, Bray. Another bro." He gestured to himself and Tom. "I mean, like."**_

_**"I am your friend."**_

_**"Well then, come play dares with us if you're our friend, Braden."**_

_And Braden agreed. Of course he was Tom and Mike's friend. For the first time in his life, apart from me and my mom, he'd felt accepted. By these two 'friends' of his. And he didn't want to throw that friendship away. So he'd agreed._

_And it started off with simple dares. To swallow a worm and eat mud. To scare some of the girls and take their lecturing, harsh words as a consequence. Sounding the fire alarm to get everyone out of class, then sneaking back in and writing something bad on the whiteboard. Simple stuff._

_But then. That Thursday came. And so did Braden's fourth dare._

_To hang, for twenty seconds… from the top floor balcony._

_**"Isn't that dangerous?" Braden asked, looking to his two friends worriedly.**_

_**"Of course it is!" Mike said happily, resulting in Braden being slightly confused.**_

_**"He means," Tom explained, "that dangerous dares are all part of the fun!"**_

_**"I don't think my sister... or my mom would like me doing that."**_

_**Both Tom and Mike sighed. "So you don't wanna have fun?"**_

_**"Of course I do."**_

_**"So take up your dare and go hang!"**_

_So… My brother followed them up to the top of the school. And Tom managed to unlock the door that lead to the balcony. And the two boys stood back, while Braden walked forward._

_And… He gripped the metal balcony bar. Before jumping up. He swung one leg over. And then the other. Until he was propped on top with his legs dangling. He twisted himself round. And then grabbed onto the metal balcony bar again. Though, now…_

_His whole body was dangling._

_**"You hangin' from it, Bray?" Tom shouted from a few meters behind.**_

_**"Y- yeah…"**_

_**"Alright! Twenty seconds, yeah?"**_

_**"Um, yeah."**_

_**"Cool! Well then…" Tom and Mike began to count, "nineteen… eighteen…"**_

_And he stayed there. Swinging. Forty feet high in the air._

_For seventeen seconds._

_Because on the third to last second._

_His hand slipped._

_And his terrified, screaming body fell from that balcony, to forty feet below, onto the hard, concrete playground._

_Not breathing._

_And the ambulance was called, and they rushed him to that hospital, and they did checks over his body… And face… And brain._

_And they realized his brain was damaged. Permanently._

_So, um, yeah… Life support it was! Which I didn't know at the time, obviously. It's probably best I didn't too. The whole 'deciding whether not to keep it on' would have been so confusing for me. My mom knew the only real option was to turn it off, but I wouldn't have got that. Just because he'd still be 'alive' wouldn't mean he'd still be there._

_He wouldn't walk again._

_He wouldn't talk again._

_He wouldn't be my best friend Braden anymore._

_And yeah, the 'machine-y thing' would have kept him breathing. But what would've been the point?_

_He was already dead._

_Braden was more than just a brother to me. He was someone to constantly entertain me. For me to look up to, and aspire to, and want to be like. Braden. He was my everything. I loved, and still love my big brother more than I love myself._

_Obviously. Why would I want to love myself?_

_Maybe me committing will finally give me a chance to see him again._

_But I'm not sure. Braden was a good person. He was nice to everyone; to me, to my mom - even to Lilith. But me. I'm a bad person. And a disappointment. And a failure. I'm not worthy of anything._

_Braden's probably ended up someplace nice in Heaven, but I know I'll be going to the darkest corner of Hell._

_I'll kill myself there countless times there too though, if it means that after one death, I'll get into Heaven. To see Braden._

_I'd do anything to see him again._

_He's the only one who's ever really loved me, I guess."_

**Beta-d version. Thank you again, **_**Trypophobica**_**. You guys should check out her stuff, by the way. Not for 'happy ending' lovers, though. **_**A Demented Lament: The Story of Six Sinners? **_**Very dark.**

**But hey, nothing's interesting without pain, right?**

**(Shh, it's Trypophobica, in these parentheses! I can't believe Demi put me in here! I feel special now.)**

**Please review. :]**

**FlorMorada.**


	4. AUTHOR'S NOTE: Badish News

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:**

Okay.

So...

I think up this story. I write it. I post it. You guys seem to like it. And I want to carry it on.

Here's the thing.

I'm going on holiday for almost a month.

Boo-hoo, tear tear, cry cry; yes it's very sad.

I'll have a computer with Internet connection (Hey, I won't be in Narnia, calm down! Wait… Don't they _have _Internet connection there anyway? O_o) but what I won't have is _time. _I'm going to visit my dad, so I really won't have much of a chance to write.

It may be a bit boring at the moment, because it's about characters who aren't in the show, but it'll get interestinger (my word, _shut up!_) as time goes on. The next reason will be about Cat's mom, then her sister Lilith, then Jade, Andre, Beck, Danny (Cat's New Boyfriend boy), Robbie, Tori, Evan (The Blond Squad boy) and Cat's reason herself - probably in that order too.

So get excited.

Oh yeah, and this story will contain self harm and rape. Just to let you know.

Anyways, I swear on olive oil to you guys, to myself, and to my slave –cough- my _Beta, _Trypophobica, that I will definitely complete this story. That is, if you want me to... Do you still want me to? :]

This has not been the last of me, my story, or Caterina Valentine's reasons.

**Be back in September. :]**

**FlorMorada.**


	5. When Bad's Gone to WorsT

**Caterina Valentine: My Life.**

FlorMorada

**I do NOT own Victorious, or any songs that may be used.**

**...**

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:**

Okay, I _know _the last chapter said "back in September" but looks like it's now the end of the following year's May…yeah…sorry?

**...**

**NOTE:**

"This writing" is in 'real life'.

"_This writing_" is Cat speaking on her tapes, or a note that someone's written.

"_**This writing**_" is Cat having a flashback, or happenings in the past.

**...**

**Chapter Four**

**When Bad's Gone to WorsT.**

**...**

"_Hey, guys… Second story. 'Numero dos.' Side 'C'. _

_Um…so I'm guessing you guys all know about Braden now? You should. _If_ you're going through these in the right order._

_Anyway…new story. A story about my mom._

_...Yes, guys, that 'nice lady', who baked oatmeal and raisin cookies and took us out on weekends and invited you to our house and, André, threw that welcome party in the auditorium when you started our school in second grade. _

_Yeah, yeah. _That_ 'nice lady'._

_I don't call her a 'nice lady'._

_I call her a _bitch_. _

…_My mother is one of the reasons why I am going to commit as soon as I'm done recording these tapes for you guys. _

_Why? When I was eight and a half and my sister was sixteen, my mother couldn't deal with us, so, well…left. She abandoned us. _

_Abandoned _me.

_I mean, thanks, Mom. You have been successful in becoming a reason as to why Caterina Valentine wants to kill herself. You're yet _another_ reason to prove to me that my life really just isn't worth living anymore. _

_That it obviously never even was."_

…

"_**Lilith?" I tug on my sister's arm. I'm eight-going-on-nine and it's **_**summer – **_**I swear I should be **_**growing?**_** I'm still 'second grade level' short. Having a tall, scary sister tower over you is annoying. "Lilith, what happened?"**_

_**I resist the urge to add '**_**this **_**time'.**_

_**My mother and her are obviously in the middle of **_**another**_** argument.**_

"_**Well, Caterina," Lilith starts, staring at a bottle on the coffee table. She grabs an envelope from a pile of letters and holds it in front of my face. It's so close; I can barely make our own address. "Ask Mother what has happened."**_

_**I push the envelope back a bit. There are ones of those small, transparent rectangle thingies, so I can see what's on the first line.**_

'**Dear Ms. O'Brian,**

**Regrettably, we are forced to repossess the five items of furniture we delivered to you on June 30 2012, due to your failure to pay the $2,399.35 you owe from them.'**

_**I frown, shaking my head; I have no idea what this even means. "Mommy, what does it mean by," I look down to the letter again, "'failure…to pay'?"**_

_**My mother, sat on the sofa, looks up and smiles at me. "Nothing, sweetie, it's-"**_

_**Lilith snatches the envelope from my hands. "It's not nothing, it means that our mom's bought stuff she hasn't paid off. She's got bills she hasn't paid either." Lilith flings the envelope across the room. "Stuff could be repossessed, and it's 'cause the money's spent on **_**alcohol**_**."**_

_**My mother's smile widens. Even with my, as Lilith says, 'irritatingly naïve' personality, I can see how fake it is… I don't know what repossessed means but whatever **_**is**_** going on, my mom doesn't want me to know. "Don't listen to her, Cat," she begins, "she doesn't know what she's talking abou-"**_

"**I**_** don't know?" Lilith's face begins to flush. "Yeah, says the screwed-up alcoholic."**_

_**My mom stands up, and walks closer to my sister. "It's not like you're not the fucking same!"**_

_**...**_

_It's then that I put both hands to my ears to block out my mother's...curse word. Not once had I heard my mother swear; she never swore! I _hated_ bad words, and she _knew_ that, yet, that day, she'd sworn right in front of me._

_Showed how much she cared about my feelings. _

_My mom had _already_ hurt my feelings that day. My music teacher had told me the previous day that I had 'incredible' vocal ability, and I should consider taking my 'musical talents' further, so I (only just about) explained to my mother about Hollywood Arts._

_She'd told me that 'those singing people' were 'just stupid'. I'd just kept quiet – I already knew all her answers would have been no._

_But the 'just stupid part', that_ _hurt._

_**...**_

_**My sister swings the bottle from the table in front of my mother's face, and it's then I realise that it is wine.**_

"_**I **_**drink**_**, Mom," she says, "I have **_**drunk..**_**.I'm not an alcoholic!"**_

_**My mother just rolls her eyes.**_

"_**And even if I was, Mom, how could you say that? **_**'It's not like you're not the fucking same.' **_**'It's not like you're not the fucking-" **_

_**Lilith cries out, almost laughing to herself in anger. **_

_**"Mom, do you hear yourself? That's what a **_**child**_** would say to their own parent; accuse **_**them**_** of doing something that they themselves were told not to do, not the other way round!" **_

_**My mom sits down. "Lilith! Can't you just leave it? If you're so concerned, we can talk tomorrow! Right now, just go-"**_

"_**No, Mother!" Lilith shouts back. "If you do not understand…our whole **_**house**_** could soon be repossessed." She turns to me. "Taken away, that means, Caterina!"**_

_**Our house could be…taken away from us? That can't happen, can it?**_

"_**Stop worrying your sister, Lilith," my mom says, before reaching forwards towards me. **_

_**I step away from her and inch towards my sister.**_

"_**See?" Lilith exclaims, pulling me closer. "She comes to me. She knows what's right, Mom, she knows **_**I'm **_**right!"**_

_**My mother's face turns into an annoyed frown. "Lilith, Cat's eight years old. She doesn't understand half the stuff we're talking about right now, let alone know what and who's ri-"**_

_**I feel my eyes widen in shock. "Mom, I 'understand' just fine. Our house could be taken away because **_**you**_** keep on buying **_**this,**_**" I point to the alcohol bottle, "and because**__**of **_**your**_** 'failure to pay'! I don't know who's right, but I know **_**you're **_**sure not." **_

_**Lilith lets out a, "told you."**_

_**My mom groans. She stands up from the sofa. "Okay then, you told me; thank you! What a wonderful teller you are, **_**Mom.**_**"**_

_**Lilith just stares at my mother, before chuckling dryly. "Yeah. I'd be a better mother than **_**you**_** are." **_

…

"_And, this is where it goes from bad..."_

…

_**My mom stops. "Excuse me?"**_

_**Lilith smirks. "Yeah. I would."**_

…

"_To worst. _

…_It just completely _skips_ 'worse'."_

…

"_**I already **_**am**_** a better mother than you are, Mom!" Lilith shouts to her. "Who do you think replaces Caterina's peanut butter jars when you're busy replacing your alcohol bottles?"**_

"_**So you can stop at Wal-Mart?" she retorts, "good for you! Try looking after an eight year old…singing **_**brat**_**, a sixteen year old **_**slut**_** of a daughter," my sister's eyes widen, "**_**and**_** deal with your eleven year old son's **_**death!**_** Then tell me you'd be a 'better mother'!" **_

_**My mom…she just called Lilith…a slut. And, me…**_

_**A 'singing brat'.**_

_**What comes out next, I don't even realise I'm capable of uttering, but I'll just have to be; the word's already slipping from my mouth. "Bitch," I shout, and I hear the slap before I feel it, silencing as soon as my mother's hand swipes across my cheek.**_

_**...**_

_"When my mom hit me that day…I was stunned. Not with pain or anything, I mean, the slap wasn't even that hard. _

_I was just stunned with shock._

_No one had ever hit me before, and my mom's the _last_ person I'd ever expected to lay a finger on me. _

_It just made me feel…unloved by her, really – she'd _hit_ me. Just proof that she really didn't give a shit about the mother she was anymore; about my feelings. _

_About me."_

_**...**_

_**For the first time months, Lilith grabs onto my hand. She locks her fingers with mine. "Don't. Don't touch her." **_

"_**Don't tell me what to not do with my daughter."**_

_**Lilith stares at my mother. "You are a bitch, Mom! She's right; you are a bitch."**_

_**...**_

_And it goes on. My mom and my sister kept shouting, I kept yelling, crying. _Hours_ went by; I soon had no idea what the two were even arguing about. But then, I remember it going silent; my mom stopping, my sister, me. And my mom asking me a question._

_A question that, well, changed…_

_Everything._

_**...**_

_**"Do you think Mommy is a good mommy, Cat?"**_

_**What? **_

_**I look up at my mother. Why's she asking…why is my mom asking me this?**_

_**Lilith, this time, asks again. "Caterina...what do you think of our mother?"**_

_**For a long moment, my mother's face is expressionless. My sister then breaks the silence.**_

_**"Caterina, just say it...I need a straight answer. I can't stand how Mom thinks it's okay to be like this; I need her to know the truth. Is this woman, Caterina, our mom, do you feel proud to call her 'mommy'? Is she a good mother? She already knows **_**my**_** answer…but the woman loves **_**you**_**, Caterina. She'll go with whatever you say. So…is she a good mother, Caterina? Yes…or no?" **_

…_**Everything's on me. **_

_**And despite the extreme pressure I'm under right now, of course I have a 'straight answer'…I've had a 'straight answer' for a year. **_

_**I shake my head, 'no'.**_

_**My mother's a **_**bad**_** mother.**_

_**I look up again at my mom, and the look in her eyes almost breaks me. She looks so upset… But she asked for the truth! They both did! **_

_**My mom bends down and wraps her arms around me. I hear her sniff. "Okay. Thank you. Goodnight, Cat."**_

_**I pull away, distraught and confused, looking at the clock on the far wall. "Um…it's seven thirty, Mommy."**_

"_**Oh…much too late," my mom replies. "Off to bed, sweetie." She leans down and kisses my hair. **_

"_**Mommy…"**_

"_**Go up, Cat. I…I love you, okay?"**_

_**I turn and begin to walk up the stairs. "I love you," my mother repeats again.**_

_**I face her once more, and smile at her. But I don't say the same too.**_

_**I **_**would**_**…usually. **_

_**But after hearing her swear, and feeling her slap me, and listening to her call me a…singing brat, and realising just how bad a mother my mom really is…**_

_**Me loving her? I guess I'm not so sure that. **_

…

_**"Caterina, up."**_

_**I feel something**__**hitting my shoulder, and open my eyes to see Lilith standing over me. I look to my window and can see the light shining through the curtain. It's morning.**_

_**"Get up. Get up, get up."**_

_**I rub my eyes, and slowly sit up in my bed. I frown at my sister. "Lilith, why? It's summer vacation."**_

_**She sighs, pulling me up out of the bed and throwing the cover over again. "Because I need to go out, and I'm not leaving you alone, so you're coming with."**_

_**Home alone? Well, yeah, I basically**_** am**_** 'home alone' with my mother here but Lilith's never been concerned about that before. I look up at her, raising an eyebrow.**_

_**"Um, Mommy..?" I say.**_

_**Lilith twists a ring around her finger. "Yeah. Mom's gone."**_

_**...What?**_

_**She sighs. "Yes, gone, no, I don't know where, and no, I don't know when or **_**if**_** she'll be back…before you ask."**_

_**I…I can't speak.**_

_**"Hopefully, she'll go to rehab or something. Woman needs mental help."**_

_**Despite having no idea what my sister's just said, I don't even ask her to explain. I can't anyway; I'm too…I can't even…my mom's…she's gone? But...**_

_**What?!**_

_**"Caterina," Lilith starts, proving having read my mind, "you proved to her yesterday that she really is a shit mother, and she got the hint that she's not needed. So…she's gone. Left last night."**_

_**"What-"**_

"_**I know. Shocking, right?"**_

_**I stare at my sister. A smirk plays on her lips. "I can't say it's a…**_**pleasure **_**to be caring for you now, but it sure beats living with **_**her. **_**Or in a prison cell like my dad. So it's gonna be just us two for now. Okay?"**_

_**I gulp and finally manage to open my mouth to speak, so slowly I'm surprised it's even coherent. "She's…Mommy's…gone?"**_

"_**I told you. Yes."**_

_**Before even realising, I find myself rushing forward, flailing my fists against my sister's body. "It's, it's because of you, Lilith!" I scream at her, "it's all because of you! You, always **_**fighting**_** with her!"**_

_**My sister laughs and shoves me away. "Um, Caterina?" She chuckles dryly. "We'd been fighting like that for a year! She didn't leave **_**then**_**, did she? It was **_**you**_** telling her she's a bad mother that really got inside her head."**_

_**...Me? But that means...**_

_**Lilith ruffles my hair, but I quickly step back from her. **_

"**You're**_** the one who made her leave, girl," she smiles.**_

**No**_**. **_

"_**It was you."**_

…**NO**_**.**_

"_**Now, get ready." My sister turns around, and begins to walk towards the bedroom door. "I want your ass downstairs in ten."**_

_**She slams it behind her. I sit back down on my bed.**_

_**My mom is…gone.**_

_**And it's all because of me.**_

…

_I blamed myself for my mom leaving that night. I still do._

_I always will._

_I was obviously so _worthless_ that my own _mother_ wanted to leave me, that's why I'm committing. It hurts, you know, a lot. Yeah, her life was hard, but she just couldn't get over her addiction and actually work on me and my sister's life? It's just...I mean, do you know how that makes me feel? To know I wasn't worth that?_

_It fucking…hurts._

_...I just realised._

_Me killing myself is basically doing exactly what my mom did...'leaving' because I just can't take life anymore. _I'm_ leaving _her_, just like _she_ left _me_… Ironic. _

_Ha, thanks, Mom. Looks like you've inspired me, huh? _

_Though, my mom only left for, like, a few hundred days. _

_When I 'leave'…_

_I'll be gone forever."_

**...**

Don't talk like that, Cat...makes me all feel sad.

Review if you're mad at my eight month late update. :)

**…**

**FlorMorada.**


	6. Lilith I

**Caterina Valentine: My Life.**

FlorMorada

**I do NOT own Victorious, or any songs that may be used.**

…

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:**

"Look, it's a FlorMorada update! Before eight months!"

_"Poke it! Does it move?"_

"Don't touch it! It may cease to ever again exist!"

…

**NOTE:**

" Real life ", " '_Cat speaking'_ ", " _**Cat's flashback/past happenings **_".

…

**Chapter Five**

**Lilith I.**

…

**/Beck./**

I hear the slap of a hand being slammed down on a table and immediately open my eyes; I'm met with the sight of my Math teacher, Mr. Anderson. Slowly realising I'm in class, I start to sit up…everyone in the room's looking at me.

I look up at my teacher - I think he's told me to pay attention or something. My head moves back and forth in an involuntary nod. My teacher sighs, and continues with the lesson. I literally stare past the math equation and right through the whiteboard; I look attentive but I'm not half concentrating.

I'm so tired. …

I don't know _how_ I even made it into school this morning. By the time we'd finished listening to Cat's tape, it was almost four in the morning. I don't even know what had happened; I knew we'd all heard up to the end, but when we fell asleep, or woke up, or came to school, is seriously all a blur. I can hardly manage to remember what Cat's tape had even been _about_…

Oh, right. Her mom.

How her mom had left her and her sister when she was a kid.

I honestly had no idea Ms O'Brian is, or at least _was_, that type of person… I didn't even know that Cat's mom had left - she never told us! I remember in, fifth grade, not seeing her mom as much, seeing her sister more, but I'd thought not much of it. Sometime around then, her and Jade would be together a lot too; they came to school together and went home together, like they lived together. I'm sure they didn't - one of them would have told me, they'd have had to. But it means that Cat was left in the hands of just…

Lilith.

That couldn't have been good.

I hear the five loud rings of the bell; class is obviously over. I get up from my chair.

Peoples' gazes are still on me. Honestly, it really isn't even odd anymore. None of us can ever go through a day without being stared at now…being _'The Kids With The Dead Best Friend'_.

I grab my bag from under the desk and it feels unusually heavy - God, I must be weak with tiredness. I swing it over my shoulder and begin to walk out the class, but as I turn to the left, I feel my arm being pulled in the opposite.

I turn to see Robbie stood by me. He raises his eyebrows.

"Beck…are you forgetting something?"

Other than when I fell asleep, when I woke up, and how I'm even managing to stand upright having had a mere four hours sleep, "No. Not really," I reply.

Robbie sighs, grabbing my arm again, dragging me towards…the janitor's closet? I ask him why on Earth we're going _there_.

Turns out that this morning in the RV, we'd all agreed to meet there to listen to another tape.

…I don't even remember.

We walk into the small room and as Robbie pushes the door open, I see that Tori and André are sat down, already there. Like Robbie, their brains are functioning enough to have remembered to meet here, obviously. I pull out a chair from behind me, slinging the bag off my shoulder, and despite my exhaustion, I realise something.

"Guys…how are we going to listen to another tape if we don't have the cassette player? Or…the _actual tapes?_"

Tori sighs, coming over to my bag, and unzips it, pulling out said items.

So, _that's_ why it felt so heavy.

"You packed all these this morning, remember?"

…No, I really don't.

I stare at the contents in Tori's hands, waiting for the tapes to _magically_ start playing, and André must have realised I can hardly even keep my eyes open, so substitutes and put the next tape in himself, for me.

I think I remember a little.

We'd been too tired to listen to another tape in the am, so all arranged to listen to another one here at school, and are all about to; me, Robbie, Tori, André…

Wait.

"Where's Jade?"

Tori looks up at me, almost expressionless, before walking over to where she'd been stood before. "Jade…sick."

Boy, I haven't heard _that_ excuse for a while. Not.

"She was fine yesterday," I reply.

"Yeah, well, she's not at school today, alright? She went home after we left your RV this morning."

So…she won't be here to hear the third story. I stare at Tori, waiting for her to continue. I know the 'frenemies' probably don't share a thing with each other, but maybe Tori's…'womanly instincts' could explain Jade's 'sickness' to me.

Okay, she's just staring at me…

_Maybe not._

Just like, I'm guessing, back in Math, I feel my eyelids begin to droop again, and I'm so tired, I honestly don't care - I'm gonna let them droop. But as soon as the whir commences, like lightning, I'm jolted awake. Awoken by the sound of Cat.

My dear redhead, Cat…

The tape starts.

…

'_Okay. Tres, third story. Tape two, side 'V'._

Lilith_. My older sister._

…_Cunt. _

_Honestly, as lots of you guys probably know, I've never thought highly of her. Yeah, I used to put up with her, but she didn't like me - whether it was the different dads thing or just her personality, I don't know. _

_But I know she's never liked me._

_And I was fine with that…kind of. Of course, I guess I would have preferred to have her liking me. But I could deal with it._

_What I couldn't deal with was the other things she caused me._

_The things she did, the bad things, I'm not mad about them because they were bad. I'm mad because they've…they have affected me so much that events still go through my mind today._

_I don't know, maybe being thrown into having to look after me, Lilith made me grow up just as much as she was forced to. But some of the things she exposed me to, caused for me, were too much._

_I couldn't and still cannot deal with them. So I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not all _that _mad at you, Lilith._

_I'm mad and what you caused for me._

_If they didn't happen in my life, maybe I'd be happy.'_

…

_**I pick up the dark pair of sunglasses, and put them on my face. I turn to face the mirror.**_

_**They look awesome. **_

_**The rims are thick, black with two tiny diamantés each side of them, and the lenses are really dark. Admiring myself, I decide I look like a biker girl.**_

_**Sort of like Lilith…if she had a bike.**_

_**I kind of like Lilith now.**_

…

'_I think my sister realised that when my mom really _was_ gone, she had to pick up her act, or both her and I would be in trouble._

_That didn't mean she then was nice to me - still far from it, honestly; the different dads thing just was and is an unadjustable barrier. But she stopped calling me by my full name. Turns out her mouth _was_ able to utter the word 'Cat'. She wasn't unpleasant towards me - at least not unnecessarily. She'd smile sometimes, and even laugh with me. And she did start acting a little more…'sisterly'. Giving advice and such._

_It was nice, I guess. I appreciated it._

_Just, some of her teachings, I'd rather have never been taught.'_

…

_**"I really love these…"**_

_**"They suit you, kid."**_

_**I turn around. I realise Chrome's talking to me.**_

_**"Chris Romane"- Lilith's boyfriend.**_

_**I like Chrome.**_

_**I don't get why he'd want to be with a girl as…as 'Lilith' as my sister, but unlike some of her other friends, he actually is nice. He talks to me like he's happy I'm actually there; he doesn't treat me like an eight year old just because I'm the height of one; he doesn't…kiss Lilith in from of me, which is…**_

_**Ew.**_

_**And he's got a cool, dark blue fringe too. With golden highlights.**_

_**I take the glasses off my face. "I wish I could buy them." I twirl the handles, closed, around my index fingers.**_

_**Chrome looks more closely at them. "How much are they?"**_

_**"Fifty-seven dollars."**_

_**I see Lilith's reflection in the mirror, walking up behind me. She takes a glance at the glasses and nods her head at them. "Nice."**_

_**I sigh. "Yeah, I know."**_

…

'_I also _knew_ that Lilith would have definitely had forty-seven dollars to spare. I knew, because I'd seen her bank details; my dad used to send my mom a thousand dollars every few months, and my mom had given my sister her account on her…depart-_

_On her abandonment. _

_I remember, Lilith used to buy a hundred-dollar combat boots and studded jackets, like, every other week. A pair of sunglasses wouldn't have done a fraction of wealth damage. But I thought she would say no, if I asked her for them._

_And',_

…

_**"No way am I paying sixty dollars for a kid's pair of shades.",**_

…

'_I was right._

_But then she said something surprising.'_

…

_**"You want them, though?"**_

…

'_And if course I had. I nodded.'_

…

_**"Okay. Rip off the tag, push 'em into your back pack and look, you've got them.**_

…

'_And hence began the most, well, second (of many) life changing decisions of my life.'_

…

_**I look up at Lilith. She looks dead serious. "You mean…" I frown, confused. "'…Steal them?"**_

_**She raises a studded eyebrow in confirmation. "Sure." She laughs. "If it saves your conscience, you can change the name."**_

_**I turn to Chrome. He seems to be agreeing with my sister. "Plus, you're what, ten?"**_

_**"Soon eleven," I add.**_

_**"Well, still. What if you didn't even know what stealing was? What if you thought it was the same as…borrowing?"**_

_**Makes sense. "But-"**_

_**"Cat, do you want the damn glasses or not?"**_

_**I close my eyes at my sister's harsh tone. **_

_**But…steal? Sunglasses?**_

_**A hundred different reasons flash through my mind as to why this is **_**so**_** wrong. **_

_**I know stealing isn't right. André'd describe it as a 'sin'. I shouldn't steal. What if someone stole from me; how'd I like it?**_

_**But Lilith, my…my sister, she's said it's fine. And Chrome's agreed. And Chrome's smart. **_

_**I stare at the glasses, tracing a finger across the rim. **_

_**I do like them. Love them. **_

_**And Lilith **_**did**_** say it was alright. **_

_**"God, Cat, if you want the shades-"**_

_**But before she's even had a chance to finish her sentence, the price sticker's peeled off, security label ripped away. I turn to both sides. No one's there. I could leave, and everything would fine.**_

_**So I do.**_

_**I push the glasses down into my pocket, before running out from the store, a grinning Chrome and almost proud looking Lilith sprinting close behind me.**_

…

**A/N: **

_Not_ the end of Lilith's tape! Nowhere near.

**Okay**, **guys. Take a read o s. **

I went on holiday for five days and had no wi-fi, and I also forgot my phone charger – my phone being where I write all my stories. But luckily, I had a notebook with me, so I went old school and wrote it all there.

My Lilith chapter turned out to be long. _Really_ long.

So long, that I decided to split it into four parts. (I don't know about you, but even if I love the story, I _wont_ read 3000+ words. It's just too much.)

Anyway, four parts – four weeks in a month...how about **_an update a week_**? :) After that, I may disappear for another eight months (joking (ish)), but for now, **is that okay**?

Please review or PM me. If you'd rather have a super long chapter, let me know too, but if not, until next week! :)

…

**FlorMorada.**


	7. Lilith II

**Caterina Valentine: My Life.**

FlorMorada

**I do NOT own Victorious, or any songs that may be used.**

…

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:**

Second update of this weekly update thing. Enjoy while it lasts. Really.

**...**

**NOTE:**

" Real life ", " "_Cat speaking_" ", " _**Cat's flashback/past happenings **_".

**...**

**Chapter Six**

**Lilith II.**

…

_**[I push the glasses down into my pocket, before running out from the store, a grinning Chrome and almost proud looking Lilith sprinting close behind me.]**_

_**X**_

"_First time I stole, that was. My first day stealing. _

_I wish I'd never done it. How could a sister teach you that?_

_How dare Lilith teach me it was alright?_

_My respect to humanity was a certain type of innocence that she basically _took away_, by doing that. _

_And still being young, I went along with Lilith. For a few months, the only stolen property in our house was those glasses. _

_But then I realised there was other stuff. My sister's stud earrings, her boyfriend's watch, even the silver iPod Nano Lilith had, along with the 274 songs from CDs burnt on it. All stolen. _

_And it actually hadn't bothered me too much._

_Of course, I still hated it, knowing it was wrong. But having two people I trusted allowing it, made me start considering it to be okay. _

_My considering of that either didn't bother me. _

_But it was when the trip to shops changed. The '_see what you want, steal what you want_' becoming to '_get in there and go steal that for me, Cat_'. Me starting to be used."_

That_ was what bothered me."_

_... _

_**"Cat, the store's changing the duty rota in, like, twenty; get up."**_

_**I feel my shoulder being shaken to awaken me. Sixth time this week. **_

_**And it's only Tuesday. **_

_**Lilith and Chrome want me to steal for them, again.**_

_**I open my eyes, look at the clock. It's eighteen minutes to one am.**_

_**"Cat, we need shit. Chrome's already in the car, come on."**_

_**I groan. I've slept less than three hours.**_

_**I don't want to steal 'shit'. **_

_**"Lilith, I'm tired."**_

_**I hear her sigh. "Yeah, I know, but please, Cat? You can take what you want for yourself too, you know that."**_

_**Of course I know that. But that's not the point - I don't want anything for myself either. I don't want to help Lilith and Chrome rob stores; I hate having to do it. It's bad. **_

_**I'm so bad. **_

_**Chrome's car horn sounds. Lilith pulls me out of my bed. "Come on, Cat."**_

_**I reluctantly walk over to my wardrobe, slowly pulling my hooded jacket over my head. I see my sister smile.**_

_**I pull my denim jeans over my PJ shorts. The roughness of them is irritating to my skin and all I want is my pyjamas and my bed.**_

_**"Thanks," Lilith says.**_

_**Of course I don't reply to her.**_

_**"Last night stealing, Cat. I promise."**_

_..._

"_But Lilith never kept that promise, unsurprisingly._

_Me darting into stores in the middle of the night to switch alarm systems off, then throw whatever required shit to a waiting Lilith and Chrome, before running out of the shop again, adrenaline through the roof, went on for more series of weeks. Months. _

_And we _did_ have a last night stealing one day. But it wasn't courtesy of Lilith's 'promise'. _

_I stopped stealing because we had to stop stealing._

_Because Lilith had pushed it too far."_

_..._

_**"There, put your leg there, Cat. Climb through the window."**_

_**I carefully adjust myself up on Chrome's shoulders and grab onto the window's latch. I use my arms to hoist a leg onto the windowsill. Getting my balance, I bring over my other. I twist the latch, pulling the handle, and, pushing it, the window opens.**_

_**We're not stealing from a store today.**_

_**Right now, I am half inside a stranger's house.**_

_**"Lilith, what now?" My voice sounds shaky. I'm kind of...worried. Chrome moves back, away from the sill.**_

_**"This window, it's in the bathroom," she says. I wonder how she's seen the house before. "Woman in this house's loaded. She keeps thousand dollar shit in there." She gestures to the room behind me. "Jump down into it. Search, and search, and search."**_

_**I swallow.**_

_**"Take whatever - we'll sell it all, so don't choose what you like. Just get as much as you can."**_

_**I'm scared. **_

_**Chrome looks up at me, sympathetically. "We'll meet you buy the opposite window, okay?" He points to it. "Easier for you to jump down from, so we can get away."**_

_**I really don't like the sound of this.**_

_**"Be quick, okay?" Lilith says. "This is risky. But you'll do it. Just...be careful."**_

_..._

"_And I was careful. I was terrified. _

_I still remember everything that happened that day. _

_I jumped into the room and looked around. I didn't turn the light on. But I searched. I found bracelets, necklaces, at least fourteen pairs of giant earrings. _

_And, having had enough, I went over to that 'opposite window'. I wanted to spend time stealing from the innocent woman not a moment more. _

_I pushed the bracelets down my wrist and slung each necklace around my neck, placing each ring into various pockets. Then I placed my hands on the latch on the window. And I twisted it, like I had done with the identical other. Pulled down the handle. I pushed it. _

_But it didn't open."_

_..._

_**"Cat, hurry up!" Lilith whisper-yelled.**_

_**I use all my strength on the window, my hands becoming slick. "I can't."**_

_**My heart speeds up.**_

_**"Cat, you did it before," I hear Chrome say, "whatever you did last time, do the same."**_

_**I twist the latch, holding it down before pulling the handle up, pushing the glass. See, I **_**am**_**, I am doing the same. It isn't opening!**_

_**I can't breathe.**_

_**"Lilith, help me! Chrome!" I literally mouth, but they must understand me. I stare at my sister.**_

_**She, even **_**Lilith**_** looks scared.**_

_**I swear I hear a voice. The woman of the house. **_

_**I let out a yelp. **_

_..._

"_And Chrome, I don't know how he managed to get the message across, but I understood he was whisper-demanding me to stand out of the way."_

_..._

_**Before I know it, I see a fist sized rock hurtling towards the window, and it smashes into it, glass shattering within a fraction of a second, everywhere. I can hear them now. **_

_**"Jump out," Lilith screams. **_

_**But Chrome isn't there, he's held hands with Lilith, too, looking terrified. I need to step onto his shoulders!**_

_**"Chrome, I-"**_

_**I hear the woman's voice again. **_

_**"Chrome!"**_

_**Again. **_

_**...Okay, time to change my need. **_

_**I dart towards the window. I hurriedly hoist myself onto the ledge, hands on either side of the window, the glass slicing through both palms. Warm blood starts to flow from them, down my positioned arms in bright red lines. I stare, and I let out a cry. **_

_**"Who's there?!" The woman. **_

_**Lilith grips her hair; I think she heard the woman too. "Cat, you-"**_

_**"Jump, Cat!" Chrome yells. He runs forward, with my sister. "Look, we'll catch you!"**_

_**The blood, pain, height I, "I can't, Chrome, I just can't, I-"**_

_**"Fuck, Cat, fucking jump, now!"**_

_**But I can't! **_

_**But then I turn round, and see the woman, with a terrified face, push the bathroom door open with an extreme force.**_

_..._

"_And I then realised that I had to jump."_

_..._

_**I fall into Chrome's strong arms, glass from where my foot left raining down over me, onto my shoulders and hair. I have not a second to let out a cry before Lilith's wet hand is grabbing my bloody own. Fragments of glass dig in, but I don't care. **_

_**"Run, Cat!"**_

_**"Hey!"**_

_**But it's too late.**_

_..._

"_It wasn't just the woman's voice that I heard then. But a male's voice too. There wasn't just a woman of the house...there was a man._

_And he was there."_

_..._

_**"Stop there!" I hear behind me. Lilith tries to carry on, but Chrome comes to a halt. I turn round to see the man's got him by the arm. He struggles.**_

_**"No point runnin', kids!"**_

_**I suddenly see two lights in the distance, both flashing bright red and neon blue. They sound like cars. **_

_**I squint. They are. **_

_**Two men and a woman jump from them. I can't see them properly - they're dressed in black.**_

_**I turn to Lilith, who is wide-eyed. **_

_**I hear the man behind us chuckle.**_

_**The people in black run forwards, now right in from of us. **_

_**"Here, them!" The man of the house says angrily. **_

_**One man now grabs Chrome by the arm. The other grabs onto my sister. **_

_**I hear the clang of metal. **_

_**Chrome, Lilith; handcuffs. **_

_**The woman, ignoring my bloody hands, wraps one own hand around both wrists of mine.**_

_**I look up at her. I look up at both men, properly.**_

_**I feel my breath catch in my throat.**_

_**They're cops. **_

_**"Mister, ma'am, miss."**_

**...No.**

_..._

"_And I'd seen all of it before, on TV. I had only one thought: Lilith should've known; __I should've known._

_And then I had no time to think. Because they said those three stupid words."_

_..._

_**"You're under arrest."**_

…

**A/N: **

…Oh shit.

I'm ill. And stressed, so stressed, because I have seven exams. Three tomorrow, four the day after.

Please review. Review, and I'll PM you a three hundred word **preview **of_ Lilith III_!

…

**FlorMorada.**


	8. Lilith III

**Caterina Valentine: My Life.**

FlorMorada

**I do NOT own Victorious, or any songs that may be used.**

…

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:**

_13_ reviews for the last chapter? That's so cool. And encouraging. Thanks, guys.

**...**

**NOTE:**

" Real life ", " "_Cat speaking_" ", " _**Cat's flashback/past happenings **_".

**...**

**Chapter Seven**

**Lilith III.**

…

_[And then I had no time to think. Because they said those three stupid words._

_..._

_**"You're under arrest."]**_

**X**

_**"So, tell me again why I shouldn't call each of your parents and give the three of you punishments to the extreme?"**_

_**I look down at my fingers, both of my hands resting on the grey, metal table. I can barely move them. I'd thought my hands only hurt because the edges of the window had scraped against them - turns out there were actual shards stuck in them too. Apparently, so badly that I needed stitches. This doctor at the ER examined my hands, before removing the glass and stitching up the cuts where they were. It doesn't hurt **_**so**_** much anymore. But both my hands are bandaged and I can still see some blood coming through. I can't move either of them properly either. I can't fidget.**_

_**And the only way I can allow myself to stay calm in these situations is if I cry, or if I fidget.**_

_**I can't cry – I don't want to cry. For once, I do realise that it won't help. We - **_**I**_** -**__**already went into that house and did the stealing, we're already sat here at the police station. There's noting I can do to change it.**_

_**...**_

"_Yep. _

_Chrome, Lilith and I got arrested._

_That man at that house, he'd called the cops. It must have been before the woman in the house had got up and was calling out to me. I don't know how _he'd_ heard us though - could have been when I'd first jumped in, when I was padding around the room for the jewellery, the shattering of the window; I never knew. _

_Or maybe my guilty thoughts had been too loud. I wouldn't be surprised if the man heard every one of them. _

_I'm sure you wouldn't have thought the goody Cat Valentine would be one to get arrested, would you? Even if it _was_ because of my sister, and her boyfriend, and I was only eleven and it wasn't my fault, at all._

_But I still got arrested. I was still sat in front of the scariest woman, that cop, that horrible night."_

_..._

"_**Look, officer," Chrome says, the first to speak. I haven't heard him say anything apart from curse the entire car journey from the house to the ER, and then the station. "We're sorry. It was…wrong. We shouldn't have done it, okay, we get it."**_

_**From the corner of my eyes, I see Lilith nod. She actually looks like she feels **_**bad**_**. **_

**So much for telling **_**me**_** about my conscience, with the sunglasses,**_** I think.**_

_**I nod also. **_

_**I feel the police officer look from Chrome to Lilith to me, trailing her eyes across the three of us several times. I've never felt more ashamed in my life – and I shouldn't even have to. I shouldn't have to feel ashamed. It was Lilith who caused this; if she hadn't made me steal, I wouldn't be sat here. **_

_**If I hadn't stupid enough to do what she told me.**_

_**Gathering some courage, I look up form my hands. The officer's eyes fixated onto me. "How old are you, miss?" she asks.**_

_**I chew down on my lip, staying silent. **_

_**"She's only ten," Chrome says. I poke him. It was my birthday eighteen days ago. "Eleven," he corrects.**_

_**"And how old are **_**you**_**?" the woman asks.**_

_**"Seventeen." And Chrome adds for Lilith, before the officer can ask, "And she's sixteen."**_

_**The woman raises her eyebrows, and I watch her slightly shake her head disapprovingly.**_

_**She has a right to be disapproved, really. **_

_**"And your names," she then says, "will you each repeat them please, individually."**_

_**My sister speaks first this time. "Lilith. O'Brian."**_

_**"Christopher Romane."**_

_**I squeeze my eyes shut. I swallow, gulping down the lump in my throat that appeared from holding in my tears. Ashamed, I sigh. "I'm Caterina Valentine."**_

**...**

"_And he woman had this file with her, this huge file. The print inside was so small; I wouldn't have been able to read it if I'd even tried. It was similar to the ones that psychiatrists have – you know, hard covers on either side of the thick pages of paper, where they write whatever they always write down. Or like a permanent record at school, where everything's noted – there forever, no matter how long ago it was._

_That was what terrified me – I'd already got my heart set on Hollywood Arts. I had no idea what they would do if they got an audition from a girl who was a…'criminal'._

_I remember, the officer spoke to us for ages, over an hour. She just asked questions about the night. Previous nights, when each of us 'first started stealing', like it was a custom of ours, something we all loved to do. Even though I _didn't. _It was the worst thing I'd ever done, ish._

_It turned out Chrome actually had a past. That night had been his second strike - one more, I remember hearing, would send Chrome to three years in jail. Apparently he'd been stealing for a while._

_Lilith's punishment wasn't as bad - she'd been arrested before, but it was Chrome who actually got her into stealing, I found out. She got nine months of community service. And I saw her cry, which was a rare. Not _sobbing_ sobbing. But there were tears. Which kind of surprised me._

_And it could have even been worse - the punishment could have been way more severe. It was only because the woman in the house apparently recognised us and convinced both her husband and the officer to tone the punishment down. Which was lucky. Because I had no idea what Lilith would do if she were given more._

_I sure don't know what I would have done. " _

_..._

_**"So, as for you, Miss Valentine..." the officer starts. I only stare at her. "I understand your crime was committed against your will, for Mr. Romane and your sister."**_

_**I nod. **_

_**"Were you intoxicated in any way?"**_

_**No. Neither of them ever give me anything. I shake my head. The officer crosses something off inside her file. **_

_**"Were you forced in any way **_**verbally**_**, to carry this out?"**_

_**I shrug. "Lilith...told me to, I guess," I say. "But I agreed, so…" Another cross - or a tick; I can't really make it out – inside the file. **_

_**"Physically?"**_

_**Lilith had pulled me out of my bed. But that was nothing out of the ordinary. No kicks or punches or slaps. **_

_**I shake my head. Another cross. **_

_**"Had been forced sexually, Miss Valentine?"**_

_**All I can do is blink, several times. It takes all I have in me not to get up and go and hit the officer across the face. A sound comes from Lilith's mouth; she sounds disgusted. I frown.**_

_**"Of course not, officer." My voice is actually strong. I look to an equally disgusted looking Chrome. "He'd never do that," I say truthfully.**_

_**Another cross in the file, and the officer nods. "It is my job to ask, Miss Valentine."**_

_**I only shrug at her. I don't care. **_

_**I just want out of here.**_

_**She finishes whatever she is writing on the file, before drawing a large, red box around something that, again, I can't make out. She places her pen on the table. "Well then, miss."**_

_..._

"_And I'd had no idea what to expect. _

_I knew from school that I was too young for community service just yet. At least not Chrome and Lilith's ones. And of course I wouldn't have been locked up in a Cali prison cell. _

_I hadn't really expected anything, honestly. I knew I would be 'in trouble'. But the most trouble I'd ever been in was, like, staying ten minutes extra after school, or being shouted at – or that sIap I got that time from my mother. I expected something like that, naively. I kept convincing myself that because I hadn't chosen to do the stealing, because I'd known it was wrong, that nothing much would happen. But of course I was wrong. _

_And something did happen."_

_..._

_**The officer puts her pen down on the table, and closes her file with a slap. She seems to be considering something. She looks over to a sheet of paper in front of her. Seemingly scanning it, she nods her head to herself. **_

_**I look towards Lilith and Chrome. They both look uneasy. My sister whispers something into Chrome's ear, and her raises his eyebrows, shaking his head slowly. I want to ask him what she's just said. But the officer, after folding her piece of paper, interrupts me.**_

"_**Looks like, Miss Valentine," she says slowly, "that because of the severity of this incident…we can actually sentence you to three months in detention."**_

…'_**Detention'. I've…I think I've heard of that before. It's not like school detention, I can tell by the way she's said it. It's something different. I think it's like…**_

"_**You heard of that, Miss Valentine?"**_

_**I don't know what it **_**is **_**– I shake my head. The officer smirks, before standing up from the table. She pushes her chair in, grabbing the file, and placing it on a stack of others on a metal shelf. I look again to my sister and Chrome but they're not saying anything. Maybe the officer hasn't seen my headshake. I clear my throat. "Um, no…" I say quietly. "I don't really know what that is."**_

_**The woman brings the sheet of paper on the table over to her and picks up her red marker. She scribbles something down. It's big, this time, but I can't read upside down, so I still can't make it out. She then closes her pen and slides the paper to our side of the table. She fixes her hat, before turning for the door and is gone.**_

_**I twist the paper around to face me. I feel Chrome and Lilith leaning over my shoulders. I read what it says. There are just three words on it.**_

'**Juvenile detention facility'.**

_**A…'detention facility'. **_

_**Oh. Yes. **_

_**I remember what it is now.**_

_**Juvie.**_

**...**

**A/N:**

Everything will not be as it seems; do not worry. Just review (and get a preview). ;D

...

**FlorMorada.**


	9. Lilith IV

**Caterina Valentine: My Life.**

FlorMorada

**I do NOT own Victorious, or any songs that may be used.**

…

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:**

OmG im so late guize im sorri.

Editted and made this **last!**Lilith part an _extra_ long chapter. Enjoy.

**…**

**NOTE:**

" Real life ", " "_Cat speaking_" ", " _**Cat's flashback/past happenings **_".

**…**

**Chapter Eight**

**Lilith IV.**

_**…**_

_**"God, Cat. I thought you didn't even 'like' me!"**_

_**"I don't like you!"**_

_**"Then why are you upset?"**_

_**"Because I'll still **_**miss **_**you!"**_

_**My sister sighs, and closes her eyes. She doesn't say anything, despite that fact that she just **_**has **_**been saying things - so many that we we're even having this half-argument. Lilith, she's weird with feelings. She's either defensive or goes quiet, like this - that's only how I know she's feeling something.**_

_**I spin the cereal bowl in front of me around on its place.**_

_**I can move my hands now. The bandages are off, stitches out. The scars on my palms are still there though, even though the incident was over four weeks ago. It's really because of them that if I ever wanted**__**to forget that incident, I wouldn't be able to. If these scars were gone, the whole thing could be wiped from my mind. But they're not.**_

_**Maybe that's what scars are for. **_

_**To remind you of the bad that was there at the time; whatever pain was there that'd caused them. Scars, they're there so you don't forget, no matter how long ago it was. A proof of your pain marked onto your skin, for you to always remember.**_

_**Unforunate, if you ask me.**_

_**I stop spinning my bowl. "Lilith, believe it or not, I do actually want to stay with you."**_

_**She opens her eyes. "Yeah, well, so do I, Cat."**_

_**"Then why can't I?"**_

_**"Cat, it isn't my choice."**_

_**"Why not?"**_

_**Though, I **_**know**_** why not…**_

_**I know we'd been given a choice from only a selection of**_** options;**_** the first being me going to **_**Kearny Mesa Juvenile Detention Facility**_**, but the second, me being put into 'the care of someone more responsible'. **_

_**Not foster care, someone we, already knew, who could accomodate to my needs with school and stuff. Someone who the authorities could check over and trust. An adult who maybe had somebody I could 'play' with during my stay there. A place I could love, or I already love.**_

_**So, basically, Jade's.**_

_**…**_

_"It wasn't forever. Obviously. _

_But for a while, I had to go and live with Jade."_

_**…**_

I press stop.

Wait, Cat never told me this…_neither_ of them ever told me this?

I want ask to Jade about this, _now_ - but I remember she isn't here. We're not even in the janitor's closet anymore. André and Tori are on some stairs and Robbie's on their same step, further along - we're in the Black Box Theatre. All of us, except Jade.

I wonder what it'd be like if she _was _sat here, and a secret of hers was just _revealed_ like that.

Then I remember, that's how it will be for all of us. We don't knows what Cat will say. We haven't even _had _**our** tapes yet.

I want to ask what the time is and whether the guys realise that skipping classes like this is plausible for, like, an hour's detention with Vice Principle Dickers. But I think otherwise.

I realise- not realise, no, I've always _known_, Cat's tapes are more important. Especially this one. Her, and Lilith. And Jade.

All of us say nothing as I press play again.

**…**

_"I won't go into detail about 'my stay' now. Jade, _she'll_ be in the following story. There's a lot to say about her…too much. So._

_I spent a lot of time with Lilith that last day. Her boyfriend had dropped my bags at Jade's the day before then stayed at his place before his community service the next day - I didn't see him after that. So, that morning, it was just Lilith and I._

_We never said it, but it was almost as if we were spending that time together because we knew it wouldn't happen again for a while._

_It was weird. But okay._

_But of course, if I hadn't been with her, she would have never have said _those _things to me. I wouldn't have asked those questions; those _thoughts _wouldn't have been put into my head._

_Honestly, if Lilith hadn't pointed anything out to me, I doubt they'd ever even have crossed my mind."_

**…**

_**I look across the room at the clock and see it's 9:25am. That's only thirty-five minutes to leave the house, drive to Jade's, and for Lilith to get to her service - and my sister hasn't even had breakfast yet.**_

_**I stare at the empy place on the table in front of her. "You don't want to eat?"**_

_**She shakes her head. "Not really."**_

_**I pick my spoon up from the table, and take bite of my own cereal. "You're not hungry?" I ask her, chewing.**_

_**She shrugs. "So what if I was? I wouldn't eat."**_

_**I swallow.**_

_**That's probably true.**_

_**Over the past few weeks, Lilith hasn't eaten as much. Not weeks, even - months.**_

_**She does **_**eat. **_**It's not like she's starving herself, I don't think. But she doesn't seem to eat a lot, at all. **_

_**And it's only when Chrome's literally cried for her to.**_

_**I somehow know it's not the best of questions but, leaving today, I'm suddenly curious. "Lilith, why don't you like eating?" I know she won't answer me, so I also add, "I know you must have a reason."**_

_**Lilith gets up from the table. I think she's going to leave the room, but she goes over to counter and sits up on it, her back against the window.**_

_**"Because I'm fat," she says frankly. She doesn't look at me.**_

_**Her voice is so quiet, I hardly recognise it.**_

_**I take another bite of my cereal. I stare at her, sat the few metres away on the wooden counter.**_

_**Fishnet tights and tight tops with skirts and bracelets - that's all I ever see.**_

_**Not **_**'fat'**_**.**_

_**With the pair of shorts she's got on, I can see all the way up to her thigh. They look little and thin despite being squished across the counter; it's as if she could fit a pair of hands around one.**_

_**Quite different to mine.**_

_**Her bracelets slide down to her elbow every time she moves her arm - they once were all perfect sizes. Either metal jewellry can magically grow…or her wrists have gotten thinner also.**_

_**Even her shirt. It's not as tight as it always was; it isn't hugging her - if anything, it's kind of loose.**_

_**Lilith isn't fat. At all. In fact, she's really skinny.**_

_**I tell her so. **_

_**She tells me I'm wrong.**_

_**…**_

_"And what she said next planted the first 'thought seed' into my brain."_

**_…_**

_**"I'm fat, Cat, I am. And even if I wasn't, if I ate, I'd **_**get**_** fat."**_

_**"But, Lilith, you're not-"**_

_**"I am!" Her voice is high-pitched and defensive. Like she couldn't disagree with me more. "Trust me, Cat. You don't realise it. But you're fat and it gets worse and you become **_**unbeautiful**_**."**_

_**I ask what's even so important about beauty. Lilith's pretty – she's never said anything like what she's saying before.**_

_**"Because, Cat. You have to be beautiful. If you're not, people won't like you. You won't get people like Chrome. No one will love you, if you aren't beautiful. And unbeautiful is fat."**_

_**…**_

"_Then, calories and fat storage and goddamn _weight_. More I learnt from her than I've learnt in any Science lesson, ever. Almost twenty of those thirty-five minutes, she lectured me for. Explaining everything._

_One of the main things being that eating was 'bad'._

_And I half wanted to not believe any of what my sister was saying, because half of me knew it was, frankly, completely disordered bullshit. But half of me did believe it. In fact, three quaters of me soon did. _

_And then looking at that bowl of Lucky Charms I had in front of me, began to make me feel revolted."_

**…**

_**Lilith stands up from the counter, and looks up at the clock, as I did. She notices the time, as I also did. "I need to get to the stupid service, Cat," she says. She runs a hand through her hair – bright red, at the moment. "You need to get to…Jade's." My sister smooths her giant shirt down, her bracelets clinking together as she moves.**_

_**See, I still see Lilith…but not **_**just **_**Lilith anymore. Looking at her, I see beautiful and loved and **_**skinny**_**.**_

_**Everything I'm obviously not.**_

_**"Finish your-" and I don't know how she can say it, not after the conversation we've had. She almost chokes it out. "Finish your breakfast. I'll be in the car."**_

_**I nod. As soon as Lilith leaves, I push myself away from the table and get out of my chair.**_

_**I pick up my cereal bowl, still three quarters full, and clenching the spoon, slowly scrape its contents into the bin. I watch as it slides into the trashcan, a **_**splat **_**as the bits of food all land on top of each other. Milk drips down the bin's side. I look at it trickling down. Down the bin, onto the floor…exactly as it would have gone down my throat, into my stomach. I sigh, grabbing a cloth from beside the sink. Bending down, I begin to wipe the pool up.**_

_**I swirl the mess around and feel the food on my fingertips through the cloth; the milk and bits of cereal all wet and mushy - fat. Disgusting.**_

_**I remember the floor's wooden - the wetness is going to make it smell. But still, I laugh quietly, wiping the last bit from the floor. I chuck the cloth and its **_**filth**_**, too, into the bin.**_

_**I run a hand over my stomach, digging my nails into it slightly. I feel the quarter of the bowl of cereal I ate inside it – all the…**_**fat**_**. I stare at the remnants of the food on the floor, down the side of the bin.**_

_**I convince myself it is disgusting**_**.**

"_**Better there than in me," I say. And my voice wavers.**_

**Pathetic, Cat.**

**…**

_"Lilith, she never got it. That I'd never felt loved, not properly. And if she told me that she was loved because of being beautiful and shit, she should have been smart enough to know I would have believed it._

_That's why she's on this tape - she's a cause for this suicide, really. Yeah, I long ago realised that I should perhaps _not _listen to her…but my overall self-hate. _She_ caused that._

_She made herself my Barbie doll; the worst possible Barbie doll an eleven year old girl could ever look up to. And that ruined me."_

**…**

_**I hear Lilith call my name, and quickly drop my bowl and spoon into the sink.**_

_**I stand up, tall, like her, pull my shorts that bit higher above my waist, like hers.**_

_**Because love comes to her, and maybe if I'm like her, brothers won't die and mothers won't leave and sisters won't be taken away, and **_**I'll **_**be loved.**_

_**I reach to scratch my arm, but it hurts – not my hand but my actual arm. I pull up my right jacket sleeve, just past my wrist, and I remember why. I didn't forget, really.**_

_**It's those little cuts I made with that sharp little blade that bled and hurt but didn't 'hurt', just felt okay. Yesterday. And a few days ago, and days before.**_

_**I don't know why.**_

_**No one's told me to. No one even knows I've done it – I'm not going to tell anyone either. It's nothing, really, just a little bit of pain, not that '**_**ow, go away**_**' pain, a different pain. A better one.**_

_**I like being the one to make those lines all across my arm; small and thin and red but almost invisible. They cover my wrist now, the right one. If I'm not wearing long sleeves, bracelets will be the only way to hide them. I might ask Jade if we can go shopping so I can buy a few - those heavy silver ones, like my sister's.**_

_**The ones, I've noticed, Lilith wears to cover hers.**_

**…**

**A/N:**

_Woah. _Lot in there. ;) More will be explained in the next chapter. Which will be **Jade**'s.

It's not written (and who knows when it will be?), but I know what'll happen. I just have to get up from (or, sit down on…) my lazy ass and _write _it_._

And I will! One day. Probably…

**…**

**FlorMorada.**


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